MARCH HORRORSCOPES: Spring Forward Thinking

HorrorscopesWhat’s up, Red Shtickers?! It’s March! Isn’t that exciting as all get out?!

Perhaps those of you with a little less Irish in your blood refuse to accept the sanctity of the world’s widely accepted day of public drunkenness, but there are still some of us on this big blue ball who hold to tradition! And if you refuse to join me, who was raised Protestant, in celebrating the life of an English slave turned bishop who drove snakes off of an island on which they’d never existed, and was later canonized as a Catholic saint — well, sir, you may go directly and soberly to hell.

Since we’re all springing ahead timewise, I feel it’s a good time to spring ahead in who we choose to destroy in the media.

I am aware that there are other things going on in March besides St. Paddy’s Day (you bunch of racists). One of them is daylight saving time, forcing us all to wake up earlier than our bodies have become used to over the past six months because the government refuses to admit when it does something stupid.

Anywho, since we’re all springing ahead timewise, I feel it’s a good time to spring ahead in whom we choose to destroy in the media.

We’ve all enjoyed a fistful of schadenfreude, but Bill Cosby’s public destruction has really tempted our collective palate, and he’s not alone. I think this kind of thing is healthy for the populace, so I’ve compiled a list of “celebrities” who’ve become popular targets along with the folks you should redirect your venom toward this month.

Steve-harvey-smilePISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): From Bill Cosby to Steve Harvey. Harvey’s “oh so wholesome” Christian persona doesn’t mesh with the success drive it takes to make it as a stand-up comic and host a talk show, a radio show, and a game show. Get on the bandwagon now, because those skeletons are coming out soon.

jeff-gordonARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): From Michael Jordan to Jeff Gordon. Jordan proved that no athletic god’s hero persona is safe once he retires. Gordon has always been pretty clean-cut, enough that I think he’s going to get pretty full of himself once he’s no longer behind the wheel.

Michael-BubleTAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): From John Lennon to Michael Buble. Lennon has been a bit of a target lately as more people have admitted he was a hypocritical, abusive tool. I’m betting Buble holds to more of the 1940s lifestyle than just the song standards.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): From anti-vaxxers to parents of kids with peanut allergies. Anti-vaxxers are widely agreed upon to be complete idiots, dooming us all with the hour of research on the internet that convinced them to ignore the advice of every doctor on Earth. But it turns out that not exposing your kids to peanuts early may be causing the deathly allergy that forces me to eat pretzels on every flight now.

He should be taken down if for no other reason than as a warning to David “I Love Diapers” Vitter.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): From science to Congress. If the same people who spend hours every day coming up with reasons to ignore modern science in favor of political opinions spent that time coming up with reasons why we should consider purging Congress and starting over, this country might just catch up to the rest of the planet and join the modern world.

jimmy_swaggartLEO (July 23-Aug. 21): From the pope to Jimmy Swaggart. Pope Francis gained a lot of liberal fans early on by saying a lot of really cool things, but he’s made some questionable backtracking statements lately that have caused him to be skewered on social media. Meanwhile, Jimmy Swaggart is still right here in Baton Rouge. On television. Making money. And doing it with the stink of meth and a hooker who posed for Hustler on his breath. He should be taken down if for no other reason than as a warning to David “I Love Diapers” Vitter.

Duck-Dynasty-logoVIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): From Mother Teresa to Duck Dynasty. Christopher Hitchens said everything that needed to be said in regard to how awful Mother Teresa was, but people still bring her up when they want to sound edgy. She’s dead. Damage done. Instead, spend your time tearing into the much more hypocritical public personas of the Robertson family. They’re alive and breeding hate one sticker-covered ice chest from Wal-Mart at a time.

taylor-swift-shake-it-offLIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): From Michael Jackson to Taylor Swift. Michael seemed wholesome, kid-friendly, and slightly eccentric before the lawsuits, sham marriages, and kids “who are totally his” started piling up. Taylor is in that “before” stage right now. But all the breakup songs and belly-button-hiding is only a symptom of someone who’s wearing human skin and dicing up koala bears in her basement to relieve stress. At the very least, I’m betting she has toilet cams in her house.

lumbersexual-doucheSCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): From masculine men/feminine women to lumbersexuals. We’re getting closer as a society to agreeing that people are all a little different, but in the public rush to accept every difference, it’s become OK to insult people who conform to stereotypes. It’s time to accept everyone — except people who create a completely ridiculous sexual persona based on skills they do not and will never have. If you live in Manhattan, you will never be a lumberjack, no matter how big your beard is.

If you agree that it’s a completely natural and healthy thing to do, then you should be fine with someone taking pictures of it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): From anti-breast-feeding-in-public people to anti-taking-pictures-of-people-breast-feeding-in-public people. I’m just saying, if you agree that it’s a completely natural and healthy thing to do, then you should be fine with someone taking pictures of it with their phone as long as they crop out the baby. Children should be allowed to eat in peace.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): From salt-of-the-Earth, it-was-better-in-the-olden-days morons to … You know what? That one’s fine. Keep making fun of those people if you want to continue to be able to buy hard liquor on Sundays and own sex toys.

kim-kanye-kimye-weddingAQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): From Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to Kimye Kardashian-West. These “people” don’t get to be two separate, egotistical weirdos anymore. They’ve spawned a child whom they will now ruin in the public eye for the next couple of decades if we don’t do something about it. It will be easier if we can just legally prosecute them as a single entity, like a corporation.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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