IN FOCUS: 225’s Cover Story on BR’s Best Catches

Do you enjoy reading about beautiful, single people who “have it all”? People who are “smart, charismatic, driven, and have great careers,” and who voluntarily participate — and are featured — in a shamelessly shallow magazine cover story claiming they are “BR’s Best Catches”?

If so, then you’d absolutely love 225 magazine’s “February Cover Story: BR’s Best Catches.”

Inviting you to “meet the Capital Region’s most eligible” and “find out what makes them tick, what they look for in a partner and what they think of the local dating scene,” the article spotlights six — that’s right, a whopping six — bachelors and bachelorettes in the Baton Rouge area.

This fantastic example of groundbreaking journalism was so intriguing and edifying, we at The Red Shtick decided to share it with our esteemed contributors and get their take on what makes it so remarkable.

For starters, they offered some apt alternate titles:

  • “225 Delivers Annual Reach-around to Offspring of Well-known Baton Rougeans”
  • “Meet the People Who Are So Rich and Cute, You Just Know There Are Awful Reasons Why They’re Single”
  • “BR’s Best Catches: Meet the Capital Region’s Most Fuckable Singles”

 

Other genuine, general comments include:

  • It’s like T.J. Moran wrote a BR’s best restaurants article.
  • We are not New York. We are not L.A. We are lame-ass Baton Rouge. Quit trying to polish a dog turd.
  • You’re a 5 in this town just for being HIV-negative.
  • This whole article makes me literally gag. I wouldn’t fuck any of these people with their own genitals. It’s the most bald-faced, sorry-assed, ham-handed attempt at metropolitan society journalism since Edith Vane-Tempest-Stewart, Marchioness of Londonderry, wrote “Frances Anne: The Life and Times of Frances Anne, Marchioness of Londonderry, and Her Husband, Charles, Third Marquess of Londonderry.”
  • Everyone knows the best way to tell if someone’s a great catch is if he or she broadcasts the fact he or she is a great catch.
  • What better way to celebrate black history month than with a cover story featuring Baton Rouge’s six hottest non-blacks?
  • Jesus, that article makes my skin crawl.

 

As for each of the singles featured in the article, here’s what they had to say:

Theresa-Thao-Nguyen-225
Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com

Nguyen asked, “Is it horrible to say that I love to work?” OK, we get it; you’re Asian. Your parents made you like this. I bet they never smile or anything.

She’s just a hard-working girl in the city with no time for love. She’s like the first 15 minutes of a rom-com.

It says: “The 24-year-old lives and breathes advertising.” You think she’d do a better job at marketing herself to the rest of the Baton Rouge dating scene than relying on this glossy socialite pap.

 

Brian-Oliver-225
Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com

I can totally tell Brian is confident, caring, and thoughtful because he says he’s “confident, caring, thoughtful.”

I’ve always wanted a guy like Brian Oliver to slip something in my drink.

This guy sounds like he’d be a total gentleman before taking me to Pound Town.

Brian strikes me as the kind of guy who would be there for the pregnancy test results.

 

 

 

Melaine-Jumonville-225
Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com

Nothing says “BR’s best catch” like “My (three) kids come first in my life.”

A guy would be nuts not to date a 40-something woman who proudly proclaims he’d never place higher than fourth in her life.

Brian Oliver is the CEO of United Networks of America. Jumonville is the VP of Operations. Two of the six best catches in BR run the same company? And they aren’t fucking each other? Why should anyone else bother?

 

Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com
Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com

Houk describes his biggest turnoff as “close-mindedness. Someone who doesn’t want to explore … unwilling to get out of the comfort zone.” He should hook up with my friend Susie. She’s totally into butt stuff.

M’Elaine Jumonville says she’s “open-minded” and appreciates a “sense of adventure.” Houk says his biggest turnoff is “close-mindedness” and that he prefers a sense of adventure. Sounds like these two should get together. Unless, of course, there’s something we don’t know about.

 

Shaunna-Lizak-225
Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com

Lizak seems like a low-maintenance kind of gal. Her idea of an ideal date is a “simple, casual dinner” … after an outdoor concert at a beach  in Baton Rouge  while wearing a $1,600 leather moto jacket.

Why is that one chick not looking at the camera? Is she trying to hide her Adam’s apple?

I’m glad to see a woman who teaches people how to be healthy and improve their bodies is cool with owning and wearing 6-inch stilettos.

 

 

Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com
Photo credit: Collin Richie | 225batonrouge.com

Loupe has a smile only a plaintiff could love.

When asked for his thoughts on the Baton Rouge dating scene, Andrew Loupe said: “There are a lot of girls who are fun to be around and have great personalities.” IOW: BR is full of hideous cows.

As a professional golfer on tour, Andrew Loupe would be the perfect kind of guy for a girl to date. Just ask Tiger Woods’ ex-wife.

 

 

 

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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