Kan Ye Not?

Music SnobOh my goodness, America. All this bitching and moaning about Kanye West. Kan ye not?

Maybe your mama never sat you down and told you what happens when a little man really, really loves a fabulous pop star woman very much? What happens is he would spend his very last dime and turn his back on his best friend (Jay-Z) if he put her down.

What we’ve seen during the last five or six years is not just classic “Kanye being Kanye” behavior, it’s a full-fledged reenactment of The Notebook. Obviously, in this case, Beyoncé is Ryan Gosling, Kanye is the tempestuous Rachel McAdams, and the disease isn’t Alzheimer’s; it’s Crohn’s of the mouth.

So, yes, Kanye rushed another stage in Beyoncé’s honor, this time at the Grammys, with the victim being Best Album winner Beck, who beat out both Beyoncé and Sam Smith to win.

It’s a full-fledged reenactment of The Notebook. Obviously, in this case, Beyoncé is Ryan Gosling, Kanye is the tempestuous Rachel McAdams, and the disease isn’t Alzheimer’s; it’s Crohn’s of the mouth.

Kanye appeared at the time to stop in his tracks, think better of taking the Grammy from Beck, and return to his seat. But later, on E! network’s post-Grammy coverage, he said, “…Beck needs to respect artistry, and he should’ve given his award to Beyoncé.”

The best revenge any of you can have if you are disgusted by this appallingly egotistical behavior is to just ignore Mr. West. Or even better, if you are a glutton for punishment, buy Beck’s shitty album Morning Phase. I hear he plays all 924 instruments on it. Have fun with that.

Or, if you actually consider yourself to have a problem with how Kanye West acts, I suggest you stop using the word “problem” so loosely.

Some people have even taken special umbrage with the fact that Kanye singled out Beck, much as he did with Taylor Swift in 2009 at the MTV Video Music Awards. But Beck is a big boy. He’s been around for years, way before Kanye was, and he’ll be fine.

This will likely be the best thing to ever happen to Beck outside of Dianetics. It’s not like this will be an epic music beef. Beck is basically the musical equivalent of Switzerland, anyway. Kanye, God bless him, no matter his intentions at the time, essentially launched a nuclear war on a guy who barely has snot rockets, a guy who is about the closest thing Scientology has to a Transcendental monk.

Of course, Beck, for his part, called Kanye a “genius,” and said, “I aspire to do what he does. How many great records has he put out in the last five years?”

What a super cool guy, right? That album still sucks, though.

It has become painfully obvious to all of us by this time that Kanye is an outspoken person who has trouble not being the center of attention, not being in charge, waiting his turn, understanding social cues, and staying in his assigned seat. This screams to me, a nonlicensed physician, “Attention Deficit Disorder.”

In the grand musical scale of things, unless you are Beck or Taylor Swift, Kanye’s little outbursts are minor, and, I’ll add, completely noncriminal.

Perhaps Kanye lacks some of the self-control most other adults his age are capable of due to ADD or some other problem. However, comparing Kanye to his peers — I’m keeping musicians only in mind — I can think of several just off the top of my head who have actually committed the following transgressions:

  1. Statutory rape
  2. Vehicular manslaughter
  3. Bat head-biting

My point is, in the grand musical scale of things, unless you are Beck or Taylor Swift, Kanye’s little outbursts are minor, and, I’ll add, completely noncriminal.

He’s not even the first musician to talk shit on another this week! Two nights before the Grammys, Bob Dylan accepted a MusiCares award and gave an acceptance speech where he trashed country music legends Merle Haggard and Tom T. Hall. That story just got far less press because everyone in it is 108 years old now and none of them married a Kardashian.

In conclusion, America, Kanye West has the God-given, inalienable right to act like the jackass our president has declared him to be. You, in turn, have the right to be appalled at his behavior.

If you choose to be appalled, though, just remember: This poor guy is not only riddled with Crohn’s of the mouth, but he has profound ADD, is dealing with the pain of unrequited diva love, is never properly credited with creating leather jogging pants, AND there’s a damn good chance down the road — based on his choice of spouse — that he may feel the need to transition into a woman.

Have some patience and tolerance for the asshole, would ya?RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

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Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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