WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. X – “The Pierson Offensive”

Samuel Blake Bellows, St. George 2nd Cavalry
10:30 p.m. Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Dearest Hazel,

Samuel-Blake-BellowsMy hand is trembling with both anger and fear as I compose this correspondence! While I usually shun writing you while in such a state as to not vex you unnecessarily, I feel compelled to let you know the latest and most dastardly maneuver instigated by our oppressors from that cesspool of debasement better known as Baton Rouge.

Those depraved savages have launched an unscrupulous offensive against our divinely sanctioned quest for liberty. They have invested a not insignificant portion of their treasury to enlist the services of the infamously callous mercenary Mary Olive Pierson.

The only thing more insatiable than her libido for largess is her bloodlust for the heads of those she has been charged with destroying.

I understand if you aren’t familiar with Mary the Hun, but don’t let the sweet-sounding name deceive you, my dear. Her reputation as a hired cutthroat spreads far and wide as the landscape is littered with the carcasses of her past foes.

Most sinister is that she seeks to slaughter us not out of principal or loyalty or any remotely noble cause. Nay, she fights for our enemy merely for the fortune they have promised her. The only thing more insatiable than her libido for largess is her bloodlust for the heads of those she has been charged with destroying.

The level of rancor amongst the men in camp is at a fever pitch, even at this late hour. I suspect nary a wink will be had by morn as Pierson shall surely haunt any slumber we may happen upon tonight.

Please pray for me that I make it back home to you safely, but if it be God’s will that I do per chance encounter that beast, I entreat Him that I die a quick and honorable death.

All My Love,


Walter King Dodson, Baton Rouge 1st Artillery
5:00 a.m. Thursday, January 29, 2015

Dearest Charlene,

Walter-King-DodsonI would be a liar if I said I am writing you first thing upon awakening from slumber, for I and most of the men were not able to sleep from the sheer excitement of the news we learned the previous day!

Our leaders have managed to recruit one of the greatest fighters and strategists of our time in order to help us finally and utterly quash this rebellion by those seditious rapscallions in St. George.

Colonel John Delgado was instrumental in enlisting the notoriously fierce Mary Olive Pierson to lead a new and potentially devastating offensive against the heart of the St. George forces.

If anything can deflate Major Woody’s uprising, it’s Mary Olive Pierson!

She may be a woman, but she wages war more vigorously, ruthlessly, and brilliantly than just about any man alive. I’m sure once those poor bastards on the other side learned of her involvement in our cause, they immediately began quaking in their battle-worn boots!

Pierson is already fighting to tamp down a hopeless insurgency led by St. George’s Major Woody Jenkins. Yes, if anything can deflate Major Woody’s uprising, it’s Mary Olive Pierson! She’ll grab Major Woody by the neck and give him a beating so bad he won’t be able to stand up straight!

And she’ll do it with only one hand, for her other hand will be busy thrashing the likes of Colonel Lionel Rainey and Colonel Buddy Amoroso.

When you get down on your knees and pray tonight, my love, be sure to thank Him for His favor, allowing her to fight for our side instead of theirs. I, for one, will sleep much better knowing she’s on our side and Major Woody is on theirs rather than vice versa.

Yours forever,

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A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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WAR FOR ST. GEORGE: Letters From the Field, Vol. XVII – “The War Is Over. For Now.”

It would seem I and the rest of the men out here are coming home, but sadly, not for the reason we had so long and vehemently fought and prayed, my love.