10 Other Nonexistent Things Bobby Jindal Decries

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal gave a speech in London yesterday in which he slammed “radical Islam” and railed against European “no-go zones,” areas where non-Muslims aren’t allowed and where some countries have ceded control to religious leaders who govern the areas by a harsh version of Islamic law.

Jindal decried the existence of these enclaves of Sharia Law in the West – including in the English city of Birmingham – one day after Fox News profusely apologized multiple times for recent comments regarding such no-go zones and issued at least two corrections, saying there is “no credible information” that they even exist in England or France. This came just days after British Prime Minister David Cameron called Steven Emerson, the man who made those erroneous comments about no-go zones on Fox News, a “complete idiot.”

But that didn’t stop Jindal from out-Palining Sarah Palin by doubling down on the discredited assertions in an interview with CNN after the speech, and then failing to give one solid fact to support his no-go zone rhetoric.

Such fictional areas aren’t the only nonexistent things Gov. Jindal has gone on record decrying. Here are 10 more:

 

1. The Tooth Fairy
Tooth-Fairy

“The tooth fairy not only teaches kids to trade their body for money,” Jindal claims, “but as a fairy, he also indoctrinates them into the gay lifestyle, all while sneaking into their bedrooms while they sleep. He must be stopped, something the Obama administration has shown zero interest in doing.”

 

2. Manti Te’O’s Girlfriend
Tessi-Tolutau-Lennay-Kekua

“How dare she break the heart of a good, young Christian man who obviously loves the Lord and his family,” Jindal ponders.

 

3. Krampus
Krampus

“The Krampus is the spiritually depraved anti-Santa who punishes ill-behaved children. While I’m all for teaching children discipline, it should be the parents who do it, not some devil-like creature,” Jindal insists.

 

4. The Man in the Grassy Knoll
Man-in-grassy-knoll

Jindal says, “The shadowy figure still hasn’t been brought to justice for killing Beatle Paul McCartney.”

 

5. Bigfoot
bigfoot

“How many days and nights and thousands of dollars have been spent by people and television networks trying to make contact with the ‘Squatch’?” Jindal wonders. “He’s an elusive, fiscally irresponsible creature.”

 

6. Vampires
vampire-true-blood

“From Dracula to those Twilight and True Blood people, vampires encourage our youth to dabble in the occult and prey on innocent people,” Jindal says. “They show that it’s acceptable to literally suck the lifeblood out of America, which might explain President Obama’s popularity among that age group.”

 

7. The Rougarou
rougarou

“The Rougarou has been terrorizing the people of Louisiana for far too long,” insists Jindal, “and he must be stopped once and for all!”

 

8. Black Market Kidney Thieves
black-market-kidney-thief

“How many unsuspecting people have woken up in an ice-filled motel bathtub with a phone and a note instructing them to dial 911 because both of their kidneys have been removed?” an incredulous Jindal asks. “This type of brazen human organ theft is a direct result of Obamacare.”

 

9. Loch Ness Monster
Loch-Ness-Monster

“For decades, the menace known as ‘Nessie’ has been shaking down elderly black people for $3.50,” Jindal explains. “It’s high time he picks himself up by his bootstraps and becomes a productive member of society.”

 

10. Leprechauns
Leprechaun_Beer_gold

“Leprechauns encourage alcoholism and perpetuate the notion of wishing one’s way to instant wealth instead of working hard for it like everyone else,” Jindal claims. “On a side note, perhaps if the Obama administration didn’t make it so hard to start a business with all of its burdensome regulations and the job killer known as Obamacare, maybe those leprechauns would invest some of that gold to create good-paying jobs for struggling Americans rather than hoarding it at the end of rainbows.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

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Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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