BACS Honorable Mention: Thomas Shepherd

Despite being more than three times over the legal intoxication limit for driving, 35-year-old Thomas Shepherd’s gin-soaked brain somehow managed to command his body to get away on foot after crashing his vehicle head-on into another car.

According to Baton Rouge police, the Baker resident was heading north on Scenic Highway across from Southern University when he crossed the center divider and hit a southbound vehicle, causing a large cut to the other driver’s head.

That’s when Shepherd, who was totally flocked up, astonishingly was able to run from the scene before officers arrived.

When they did arrive, police say, they found an opened half-pint bottle of gin spilled on the driver’s side floorboard of Shepherd’s vehicle. That’s the worst kind of alcohol abuse. How dare he abandon a wounded soldier on the field like that!

We wish to recognize Shepherd for his nearly superhuman ability to amply amble away while in what should have been an incapacitating drunken stupor.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gin And No Juice was on the loose, but not for long. Officers reportedly found Shepherd a few blocks away, walking around in the parking lot of a housing complex on Rosenwald Road. Apparently, all they had to do was follow the alcohol vapors emanating from Shepherd’s breath and clothes, since he reportedly had further abused alcohol by spilling gin all over himself.

The police report says Shepherd admitted to earlier drinking three 16-oz beers and a half-pint bottle of gin. We’re not sure if he was talking about the same half-pint of gin that he spilled on his clothes and in his car, or if he drank an entire half-pint of gin before opening another and then accidentally tried to get his car and clothes drunk with it.

In any case, a breath test administered at the Plank Road police station reportedly revealed Shepherd’s blood-alcohol content was 0.247 percent. The legal limit for driving is 0.08.

At 0.247 percent, drinkers often lose the ability to walk or even stand up. Yet, remarkably, Shepherd and his bionic liver ran several blocks before he was eventually charged with 1st-offense DWI, hit-and-stumble-run, driving left of center, drinking in a motor vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, and vehicular negligent injuring.

While we frown upon his noted alcohol abuse and abandonment of his dear friend whom he left to slowly bleed to death on the floor of his car, we do wish to recognize Shepherd for his nearly superhuman ability to amply amble away while in what should have been an incapacitating drunken stupor. To borrow a phrase, his feets did not fail him then.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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