December 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Well, folks, just as with Stephen Colbert’s award-winning character, the time has finally come to say goodbye: This is the final installment of the BACS.

We’ve decided to retire the monthly segment and its coveted Judge Don Johnson Trophy mainly because college football’s Bowl Championship Series – the primary inspiration for the BACS – is no more. We never imagined the BACS would outlive the BCS when we started this gimmick; the past year has been more than gravy.

We also ran out of reliably funny shit to say about drunk drivers sometime back in 2007. Plus, Judge Don Johnson – the person after whom the BACS Trophy is named – moved on from hearing DWI cases in drug court a long time ago; not to mention, a lot of you either don’t know or don’t care about his infamous, alleged drunk-driving incidents that were miraculously expunged from public record back when he was a drug court judge.

We never imagined the BACS would outlive the BCS when we started this gimmick.

We still plan on continuing to bring you extraordinary feats of boozin’ N cruisin’ from time to time whenever they hilariously occur. However, this is the last time we’ll crank out a list of top 10 drunk drivers from our area and award the Judge Don Johnson Trophy.

So with that, we present to you the final monthly installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship Series.

Our top 10 contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from November 1-30, 2014.

Shelley Dufresne and Rachel Respess seen in undated photos released by the Kenner Police Department in Kenner, Louisiana10. Anthony Q., 18, 1st-offense DWI and possession of marijuana.
Anthony is a recent high school graduate from Destrehan. He may not have had three-ways with some sexy teachers, but at least he can brag to his grandchildren that he managed to make the top 10 on the final BACS.

9. Joshua I., 23, 1st-offense DWI, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, no driver’s license, no insurance, speeding, public intimidation, and possession of Schedule III drugs.
Someone should tell Joshua that it doesn’t matter how many steroids you take, no amount of muscle tissue is going to stop a cop’s bullet.

8. Dawn T., 40, 1st-offense DWI, insurance required, simple escape, theft, and fugitive from justice.
Dawn has stolen many a guy’s heart … and wallet. And computer. And TV.

7. Jared C., 23, 2nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
Jared resides on Beaujolaes Avenue, which naturally means his favorite alcoholic beverage is shitty domestic beer.

6. Daniel A., 19, 2nd-offense DWI, possession of alcohol by a person under 21, headlights required, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Hats off to Daniel, who came all the way from Washington state to be immortalized in the final installment of the BACS!

Dawn has stolen many a guy’s heart … and wallet. And computer. And TV.

5. Rogers M., 47, 2nd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license required, possession of marijuana, and obstruction of a public highway.
Well, of course Rogers was stopped in the middle of the road. You know how hard – not to mention dangerous – it is to roll a blunt while driving hammered?

4. Chad T., 30, 3rd-offense DWI, hit-and-run, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
Improper lane usage? You’re lucky Chad managed to stay on the damn road.

3. Joshua H., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
Again with the improper lane usage? What did we just say about Chad? Same goes for Joshua.

2. Jerrard S., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and driver’s license required.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Who doesn’t improperly use lanes even when they’re sober?

drunk-ronald-mcdonald1. Ronald O’Conner, 47, 5th-offense DWI, open container/public drinking violation, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Somewhat fittingly, our final winner of the Judge Don Johnson Trophy is a guy named Ronald who has a Gaelic last name, just like another famous clown.

Congratulations, Ronald. You’ve won the final installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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