November 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top 10 contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from October 1-31, 2014.

10. Daniel S., 27, 1st-offense DWI, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, and child restraints violation.
Daniel knows it’s never too early to teach your children about physics.

dry-prong-sign9. Zachary P., 23, 1st-offense DWI and parking where prohibited.
Zachary hails from the town of Dry Prong. He apparently got his prong a bit too wet.

8. Wesley B., 24, 1st-offense DWI, resisting an officer, careless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
A certain football team from Tuscaloosa may have won when they were recently in Baton Rouge, but at least this Tuscaloosa resident didn’t win the BACS. Parole Tide Parole!

7. James A., 73, 1st-offense DWI, seat-belt violation, insurance required, driving over the median, inspection sticker required, headlights required during inclement weather, and negligent vehicle injuring.
Looks like someone had a few Ensure White Russians, managed to find the keys his family hid from him, and went for a joyride in a car almost as neglected as him.

Is there an emoji for going to jail shitfaced?

6. Kendrick F., 35, 1st-offense DWI, drinking in a motor vehicle, possession of marijuana, and careless operation of a vehicle.
Kendrick may have been drinking and driving while holding, but the real reason he made this month’s top ten is because he resides on Peckerwood Road in Kentwood.

5. Ashley B., 27, 2nd-offense DWI and prohibited text messaging.
Is there an emoji for going to jail shitfaced?

Governor-Sam_H_Jones_louisiana4. Sam J., 23, 1st-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, drinking in a motor vehicle, possession of drug paraphernalia, and license plate required.
Former Gov. Sam Jones supported making Louisiana’s roads more beautiful and enjoyable with plants and greenery. So does his 23-year-old namesake.

3. George W., 45, 2nd-offense DWI, possession of Schedule I drugs, driving over a median, and headlights required at night and during inclement weather.
George knows the best way not to let them catch you ridin’ dirty is stealth mode. Sadly, it didn’t work this time.

2. Anthony Gibson, 51, aggravated assault upon a peace officer, second-offense DWI and resisting an officer.
Stay classy, BACS fans. We know he didn’t win the Judge Don Johnson Trophy, but there’s no need to stoop to the level of some LSU fans and tweet death threats in the wake of this Anthony’s subpar performance.

William-Andrepont-DWi-mugshot1. William A., 32, DWI, driving with a suspended license, distribution with intent to manufacture a Schedule IV drug, possession of Schedule II drugs, possession of marijuana, open-container violation, possession of a firearm in a firearm-free zone, possession of drug paraphernalia, careless operation of a vehicle, and possession of a firearm with drugs.
William managed to secure the No. 1 spot in this month’s BACS just hours after LSU managed to defeat the No. 3 team in the nation. Following the LSU-Ole Miss football game, sheriff’s deputies say William crashed his Toyota truck into a catering trailer used at an on-campus tailgate party, which was obviously nowhere near as fun as the party William had going on in his truck.

While LSU fans were storming the field, William was taking the BACS by storm.

During their investigation of the accident on Nicholson Drive just south of the North Gates of LSU, deputies reportedly found the following in William’s vehicle: a hand-rolled joint in the ashtray, a partially consumed 12-pack of beer with at least one can open, 12 Xanax pills, small amounts of morphine and hydrocodone, a digital scale, and a loaded .45-caliber handgun. The report also states that William’s driver’s license had been suspended after one of his two prior arrests for driving while intoxicated.

Or, in other words, while LSU fans were storming the field, William was taking the BACS by storm.

Congratulations, William. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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