Internet, God Unconvinced of Man’s Newfound Heterosexuality

The worldwide web and the Almighty remain skeptical that a young man who claims in a now-viral video that he was “delivered” from homosexuality is truly straight.

The video of 21-year-old Andrew Caldwell proclaiming “I’m not gay no more! I am delivered!” during the Church of God in Christ’s annual Holy Convocation in St. Louis earlier this month has been seen by millions of people and the Creator of heaven and Earth.

However, despite his bold proclamation “I don’t like mens no more! I said I like women! Women women women women!” many internet commenters and God Himself remain doubtful that Caldwell really prefers vagina over rock-hard penises.

“The fact that he thinks I want him to be straight is pretty gay in and of itself,” the Lord Almighty said.

Youtube user Blue Daniels noted, “Man this dude fruitier than Fruity Pebbles,” while llower8 commented, “‘I’m not gay no more, but my boyfriend is’ lol.”

Whether it’s because of his shiny, paisley suit or his bright, elaborate bow tie or his queerly gay-sounding grammar, countless people and Jehovah aren’t buying Caldwell’s declaration “I will love a women.”

“The fact that he thinks I want him to be straight is pretty gay in and of itself,” the Lord Almighty said. “Dude is willing to change who he is because he thinks it’ll please me? If he really wants to convince me he’s not gay, he should stop trying to suck my dick like that.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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