Oh no! Halloween is right around the corner, and you haven’t put together a politically incorrect/generally offensive/witty as hell costume yet?!
Thankfully, your friends here at The Red Shtick are happy to help with our annual list of the year’s best topical costumes. While we’d love to take credit for all of these, most of the thanks goes to the politicians, athletes, media personalities, and other assorted stains on society for making it so darn easy to come up with quick and easy ideas this year.
Nothing screams “witty” more than representing a disease that’s killed just as many people in America as Laura Bush has.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Ebola-themed. Why be original when you can go to the party dressed similarly to at least one other person there? Whether you’re bleeding from the eyes or just throw on a hazmat suit, nothing screams “witty” more than representing a disease that’s killed just as many people in America as Laura Bush has.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Edwin Edwards (required accessories: suit, tie, hair oil, a blonde you’ve obviously paid to be there with you). Arrive slightly later than you should and enter the party loudly enough to make everyone already there uncomfortable. Stay until you’re asked to leave or suffer a Viagra-induced heart attack.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Jezebel.com (no special clothing required). Simply wander around the party aggressively insisting that women should be allowed to wear whatever they want unless what they want is to look especially feminine, sexy, or apolitical. If you’re a guy, do this with the underlying belief that it will attract these women to you for your brave stance against their own nonexistent subjugation.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Mama June. While most people believed this costume would have fallen out of relevance after last year, Honey Boo Boo’s mother has managed to maintain cultural significance by divorcing her husband and moving in with the man who molested her then 8-year-old daughter, all the while dragging her meal ticket 9-year-old daughter along for the gut-wrenching ride.
Scott Rogers (required accessories: vest, loud tie, tiny glasses, big fake teeth, English accent, head wound).
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Ray Rice. In what has already become a staple of this year’s Halloween festivities, show up in a Ravens jersey and have your significant other wear bruises all over her face (bonus points if you’re white and appear in blackface).
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Adrian Peterson. Just like Ray Rice, except you’ll be wearing a Vikings jersey and your partner should do his or her best to appear as childlike as possible.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Scott Rogers (required accessories: vest, loud tie, tiny glasses, big fake teeth, English accent, head wound). This one pretty much sells itself, but feel free to introduce yourself using a slight variation of your own name or any other alias you feel will help maintain your anonymity and hide your horrible past.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A Washington Redskin. All you’ll need is a football jersey and a “Native American” headdress. If you’d like to be more topical/offensive, simply add a handgun to the mix and go as Jaylen Fryberg.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Bobby Jindal (required accessories: suit, airbrush tan, shitty smile, misplaced sense of accomplishment). Wander around the party starting fires and say you’re helping. Once the house is ablaze, wander off in search of a bigger party that you insist you deserve to be part of but have absolutely no chance of getting into.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Sorrento (no special costume required other than shit-covered boots). Stomp around leaving stains on the carpet and furniture while drinking heavily and grabbing strangers’ asses. Be very proud of this, much to the confusion of everyone around you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The Secret Service (required accessories: suit, sunglasses, earpiece, Angry Birds). Stand in a corner of the room and play on your phone while people wander right past you. Insist they pose no immediate threat. Repeat.
Simply avoid all minorities at the party while insisting you’re just trying to keep your children safe.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): City of St. George. There is a wide variety of acceptable clothing options for this one, but LSU-themed apparel and khakis or yoga pants is a safe bet. Simply avoid all minorities at the party while insisting you’re just trying to keep your children safe. It is not necessary to actually have children, as long as you act indignant enough when people question you about them. Watch as other people at the party slowly wander away from you and take the snacks and drinks with them. Blame this on the schools.