I’m Gonna Talk About Renée Zellweger’s Face and You Can’t Stop Me

FeatureOn October 20, 2014, the Elle Women of Hollywood Awards were held. No one really knows much about what was done there, though I suspect they bathed in artisanal virgin blood and painfully sacrificed the requisite three child stars Box Office Satan requires of them annually. What we do know, through extensive photographic evidence, is that Renée Zellweger straight up stole a bitch’s face.

That’s right. I’m saying it. She had a black market face transplant.

OK, maybe not. But the Renée who showed up this week looking 39ish rather than 45 absolutely does not look like the woman who was had at “hello” in Jerry McGuire. That is not the face that married Kenny Chesney in an elaborate beachside bearding ceremony. This is not Chicago Renée Zellweger. Bridget Jones, my friends, is, it appears, on a real cutting room floor.

It’s not a fucking colostomy bag, guys: This lady has a new face. Face. F-A-C-E. It’s not exactly the same thing.

And so, when people with normal, functioning eyes, like myself, are a little surprised to see Renée suddenly looking like Cameron Diaz woke up like this, and we comment on it, now we’re the bad guys. Hypocrites.

Renée Zellweger (left), Renée Zellweger 2.0
Renée Zellweger (left), Renée Zellweger 2.0

What?! How?! I’m not supposed to notice your face is not the same face? Or is the rude part when I talk about it?

It’s not a fucking colostomy bag, guys: This lady has a new face. Face. F-A-C-E. It’s not exactly the same thing.

I consider myself a human being first and foremost. I try to practice compassion.

I also happen to be a woman. Is it compassionate to be OK with the continued example of women in Hollywood who get surgery after surgery to avoid the appearance of growing old?

Yes, it’s her choice, and maybe she did it for health reasons, for all I know. However, her response sort of puts the kibosh on that idea: “I’m glad folks think I look different!” Zellweger said. “I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows.”

Well, that clears everything up, huh?

Regardless of the online chorus charging that those of us who notice and discuss the differences in how Zellweger looks now and before are treating her like she’s a piece of meat, those same folks are noticeably quiet when, say, Bruce Jenner and whatever he’s doing to himself is discussed. Or when Michael Jackson’s face and vitiligo was debated and ridiculed for years.

So don’t come at me with feminism. If you’re in the public eye, the issue of your appearance will be discussed, for better or worse.

Does that suck for celebrities? Yes. Are they under enormous pressure to keep looking young? Of course. But the fact of the matter is, I’d be happy to watch middle-aged women and men in movies. The problem is, Hollywood rarely makes those films. I’d take four Helen Mirren movies over one Jennifer Lawrence, all day, every day.

She looks like a great version of someone else now.

Look, I’m not sure what’s happened to Renée Zellweger in the past few years. I’m sure some of the difference is aging and the rapid weight gains and losses she undertook for roles. Having said that, though, she obviously looks like a great version of someone else now.

Maybe she didn’t steal some bitch’s face, but it seems a medical professional may have stolen hers. And that is always going to be a topic of public interest when it happens.

So I don’t think I’m being a hypocrite when I say Renée Zellweger looks like she had work done. And if you really think I am, ask yourself: Which one of us here has two faces?RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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