Fern Barnett Is the Hero the Town of Sorrento Deserves

FeatureIn a victory for feminists everywhere and a massive win for one elderly law enforcement secretary in the bucolic, extremely corrupt, and disturbed town of Sorrento (population 1,400, give or take a few drunken sex workers), former Sorrento police clerk and proud great-grandmother Fern Barnett has fallen ass-backwards into the position of Sorrento police chief.

Barnett, who has 17 grandchildren and is, according to sources, “still 39 and holding,” was the only candidate standing after her last opponent in the race to replace disgraced and fucking disgraceful former Chief Earl Theriot for the remainder of his term through mid-2017 dropped out of the race. The Secretary of State’s Office has already filed the paperwork necessary to commission her election.

Former Sorrento Police Chief Earl Theriot
Former Sorrento Police Chief Earl Theriot

Fans of the drama in the town of Sorrento likely recall that Earl Theriot resigned in February as part of a plea deal for lying to the FBI about getting head from a drunken prostitute while on duty. Theriot still faces federal sexual assault charges, and two human rights attorneys are currently researching whether causing people to think of Theriot’s flaccid old penis is officially considered a war crime.

Barnett’s campaign platform, rumored to be “I Will Not Be Getting Any Blow Jobs, I Promise,” has been scrapped, and local council members are now applying pressure for her to come up with and present a plan to reestablish the town’s Police Department, which has been defunct since losing its liability insurance, a common result of acting like dangerous dickheads and sexual predators.

“I guess we ain’t got to worry about her getting blow jobs.”

Pressure on Barnett also comes from Sorrento Mayor Mike Lambert, who clearly needs chain-of-command lessons for saying Barnett, who clerked under former Chief Theriot, was part of the problem.

“She worked for the Police Department for a number of years. She saw the problems, and she did nothing about it,” Lambert said.

Fern Barnett's grandchildren got to see grandma on the lookie box.
Fern Barnett’s great-grandchildren got to see Meemaw on the looky box.

Barnett, whom supporters call “The Furnace,” also faces next month’s vote on whether the Sorrento Police Department should exist at all. Voters will decide whether to keep and reestablish the department or abolish it altogether, allowing the Ascension Parish Sheriff’s Office to continue to police the town as it has done since the department’s insurance was cancelled.

Local reaction to the news of Fern Barnett’s official certification as police chief-elect was unsurprisingly, since these people never agree on shit, mixed.

“I guess we ain’t got to worry about her getting blow jobs,” 34-year-old Jesse Reeves, of Sorrento, said philosophically.

“I’m Team Fern all the way,” said Sorrento resident Dirk LeBlanc, 55. “I hope she lays down the law. And by ‘law,’ I mean ‘sugar cookies.'”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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