October 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top 10 contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from September 1-30, 2014.

10. Kayla C., 21, 1st-offense DWI, headlights required, speeding, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Kayla lives on Thunderbird Street in Missouri City, TX, which naturally means her drink of choice is flavored vodka.

9. Robert L., 40, 1st-offense DWI, emanation of excessive sound/noise, driver’s license required, and possession of alcohol in a vehicle.
Beer makes Robert fart, thus the excessive sound charge.

8. Romalice W., 29, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, flight from an officer, and hit-and-run.
When your name means parasitic insects from Rome, you’re bound to have a drinking problem.

UFC-Ultimate-fighter-207. Brenda B., 50, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, battery of a police officer, and improper lane use.
Thankfully for the rest of the ladies, Brenda “The Bruiser” just missed out on getting a spot on this season of UFC’s The Ultimate Fighter.

6. Austin B., 20, 1st-offense DWI, driver’s license not on person, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, public bribery, hit-and-run, resisting an officer, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Too bad for Austin most cops don’t take Bitcoin for bribes.

This time of year, Dustin prefers getting hammered on pumpkin spice malt liquor.

5. Lance K., 43, 3rd-offense DWI, careless operation, and ignition interlock device off.
Lance managed to turn off his court-mandated breath-alcohol ignition interlock device. He’s like a drunk MacGyver.

4. Bryan V., 30, 3rd-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle.
With everyone worried about Ebola, Bryan is determined to disinfect himself from the inside out.

3. Dimitri V., 19, 2nd-offense DWI, seat belt violation, possession of drug paraphernalia, reckless operation of a vehicle, and possession with intent to distribute/manufacture a Schedule I drug.
In Russia, drugs possess you!

Colt45-Pumpkin2. Dustin G., 24, 3rd-offense DWI, inspection sticker violation, driver’s license required, and headlights required.
This time of year, Dustin prefers getting hammered on pumpkin spice malt liquor.

1. Tanis C., 28, 4th-offense DWI, stopping vehicle in a roadway, driving over the median, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and possession of alcohol in a vehicle.
Tanis came all the way from San Juan, TX, to Baton Rouge to snag his fourth DWI arrest. San Juan is so far south and so close to Mexico, Lenar Whitney thinks people born there should be deported.

Congratulations, Tanis. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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