Deer Me


According to a recent New York Times article titled “Cull of the Wild,” the wealthy communities of East Hampton and East Hampton Village, among others, have been inundated with white tail deer that are causing havoc in this enclave that is home to the rich and famous. Suburban deer in huge numbers have stripped garden plots, caused thousands of car collisions, and are contributing to the spread of Lyme disease.

Entertainment icon Billy Joel, a resident of Long Island, said he can attest to the fact that deer have caused a number of automobile accidents, several of which he was personally involved in. In a period of less than two years, he has had three crashes, one in which he drove into a tree and another where he drove into a house.

Angry-Billy-JoelOf course, there are always the naysayers who claim alcohol was to blame, but Joel said it was the damn deer and the fact that he later checked into rehab proves nothing.

“I simply swerved to avoid a deer or two, that’s all there is to it,” he insisted.

Joel’s ex-wife Christie Brinkley, who we all fondly remember as Uptown Girl, thought, however, that it might be wise if their daughter no longer rode with the singer.

The former model said, “You never know when a deer might jump out in front of him and he has to crash into a house or tree to avoid hitting it.”

Bill Cassidy said he was confident abstinence-only would work just as well with deer as it has for children.

Thurston Howell III, a financial adviser specializing in offshore accounts, and his wife, Eunice “Lovey” Wentworth Howell, who were interviewed at their Long Island estate, said they find the whole thing quite vexing.

bishop_timothy_dolanAnimal rights activists have suggested that rather than hunting the creatures, perhaps a more humane approach, such as providing the herd with birth control, might be a kinder and gentler solution. However, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, archbishop of New York, was outraged by the suggestion, claiming it violated the teachings of the Catholic church and might encourage the deer to become promiscuous.

Cardinal Dolan did mention that should any young bucks need to be relocated, he has several priests who would be more than happy to provide homes.

Bristol Palin, citing how well it worked for her, said abstinence was the answer, while Nancy Reagan, who surprisingly is not dead, chimed in with “Just say no.” Bill Cassidy, a physician who represents Louisiana’s 6th Congressional District, said he agrees and pointed to the fact that he sponsored HR718 – the Abstinence Education Reallocation Act of 2013. Cassidy went on to say that he was confident abstinence-only would work just as well with deer as it has for children.

“When a population is this far out of balance,” said Allen Gosser, of the state Agriculture Department, “you need a cull before you can implement other measures.” Former Governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, aka Mama Grizzly, who, paraphrasing Descartes, said, “We eat, therefore we hunt,” recommended using helicopters to more efficiently thin the herd, and Wayne LaPierre, CEO and spokesman for the NRA, suggested using AK47s and possibly arming all schoolchildren over the age of 4.

Mitt_Romney-Thurston_Howell-Gilligans_IslandFormer presidential candidate Mitt Romney, a close personal friend of Thurston Howell III, declined to offer an approach but did say, “I’ve always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will.”

In Washington, Congress entered the fray with a heated debate on what threat the deer posed to national security, and whether the situation could best be handled by the use of drones and the need for boots on the ground. It was agreed by voice vote that both the Senate and the House go on vacation and take up the matter after the midterm elections.

Most agreed that, in a confined island space overrun with deer, a targeted, professional cull to get these animals under control and to supply large amounts of venison for the poor seems like a reasonable option to help resolve a great unnatural imbalance. Fortunately, some great recipes for venison are available from Duck Dynasty’s Duck Commander, including Southern Venison Chili, Grilled Venison Steaks + Marinade, Deer Stew, and Stir-Fried Venison Strips.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tom Curran

Tom Curran
Tom Curran is a recently transplanted Rhode Island Yankee who has chosen to live out his twilight years aggravating and annoying as many folks as possible. He is grateful to The Red Shtick for offering him a means to that end.

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