GUEST COLUMN: All This Pussy Is for the Birds – A.J. Edwards, Cat Hater

Off the Wire

When the East Baton Rouge Parish Metro Council decreed we would be surrounded by pussy, this is not what I had in mind.

The council, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that I, and every other dog-loving, cat-hating, red-blooded American under its jurisdiction, am now required to be a crazy cat lady.

It’s Obamacare for cats! The council has foisted on us a kitty health care system that no one wanted.

Last week, the council voted 8-1 to stop euthanizing stray, feral cats. Instead, when a Baton Rougean has a cat problem, Animal Control officers will now apprehend the marauding mouse catcher and take it to the pound, where skilled cat surgeons will spay/neuter it; worm, fluff, feed, and water it; then wipe its ass before bringing it right back to where they found it.

It’s Obamacare for cats! The council has foisted on us a kitty health care system that no one wanted, one that will raise health care costs for cats and drive countless felines into government-mandated neuter exchanges. All that’s missing is the death panel.

God forbid we kill a cat. My teenage daughter can abort a living mass from her uterus without so much as a permission slip, but this council can’t find in its heart the will to kill the two cats whose incessant 2 a.m. humping outside my window puts me in the mood to murder a school full of kindergartners.

The East Baton Rouge Parish Metro Council approved the new community cat ordinance last week by a vote of 8-1.
The East Baton Rouge Parish Metro Council approved the new “community cats” ordinance last week by a vote of 8-1.

I understand there was heated debate before this panel of distinguished airheads passed such forward-looking legislation. On one side, there was the Pussy Patrol – a group I thought I could get behind until I learned it had nothing to do with drunken coeds. These morons find it unthinkable that others in the parish would rather be neutered with a broken spork than allow little Fluffy to spread its fleas, ticks, and feline diabetes throughout our neighborhoods.

We all treasure the moment when we walk out to our freshly waxed sports car to find dainty little paw prints across the windshield and claw marks in our paint job. How could we ever wish slow, tortuous death on something that brings such joy to our morning?

But it’s hard to blame the council for siding with the Pussy Patrol when you consider the wingnuts of the opposition, Team Bird Brain. These mental midgets thought the best defense against being run asunder by tabbies was the avian argument. A booming stray cat population will mean certain death to all birds. You heard right, birds.

I highly doubt that even an entire city populated solely by cats with shotguns could render us birdless.

I cry fowl! Cats have been eating birds since Adam lost custody of his rib. I highly doubt that even an entire city populated solely by cats with shotguns could render us birdless.

Now that this ordinance is on the books, what I want to know is what about all the other strays? If someone decides he no longer wants that horse he saved from the glue factory and drops it off in my front yard, do I have to care for it? Or if a giraffe escapes the BREC Zoo and establishes its homestead in my backyard, do I have to make like Michael Jackson and invite kids over to play with it?

What about a kid whose mother and father can no longer control the little darling? If dear ol’ Mom drops little Johnny Badass in my front yard, do I now have to clothe and feed him and send him to Catholic school? Because everyone knows public schools are inhumane.

My question to the Metro Council is, what now? I don’t have cats because I have a deep and abiding hatred for cats. If a stray should claim my territory for its own, and you will do nothing, you leave me with no choice. I shall employ the same method of cat removal Baton Rougeans have used since the Earth cooled: I’m dumping it in Denham.

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