Serenity Now: Save Me From Pumpkin Spice

FeatureIt’s September as I write this, and luckily – especially for all you basic bitches – you can now smell and taste autumn is here.

In the past, fall offered a variety of scents – sweaty adolescents on a school bus, freshly mown grass, the first beer cracked open at a football tailgate. Nowadays though, fall has a distinctively different scent altogether, something the kids call “pumpkin spice,” and something I like to call “what the hell is this fucking cinnamon smell?”

It smells like someone roasted an elderly goat in a vat of Dollar Tree potpourri. It smells like how I imagine Britney Spears imagines the color yellow smells.

That smell. It smells like someone roasted an elderly goat in a vat of Dollar Tree potpourri. It smells like how I imagine Britney Spears imagines the color yellow smells. It smells like someone smoked an ounce of nutmeg.

And perhaps they did, because it wasn’t enough to make this horrid abomination a scent. Someone was diabolical enough to make it a flavor, too.

pumpkin-spice-condomAutumn now has a taste, so screw yourself, blessed fall holiday Thanksgiving, with your deep-fried, delicious turducken. Have you ever tasted turducken? I’d kill for some turducken flavoring in MY Starbucks.

OK, let me focus for a second on the name, pumpkin spice. First of all, if you ever reach your hands inside the heart of a pumpkin, feeling its slimy entrails in your fingers, and you still want to eat a pumpkin ANYTHING, you might possibly be a psychopath. I’m not a doctor, but I did finish high school. Maybe get that checked.

Monistat-pumpkin-spiceSecond of all, anyone with operational taste buds knows that pumpkins taste exactly like banana strings. There’s absolutely no pumpkin in any pumpkin spice flavorings. Face it, pumpkins are, quite frankly, the black sheep of the fruity gourd family.

This pumpkin spice concoction consists of the spices cooks use to make pumpkins NOT taste exactly like banana strings, which are nutmeg, cinnamon, and cloves. Have you ever tasted these spices? Alone, they taste pretty much like powdered mulch. However, add some high fructose corn syrup, and now you’re cooking with ethanol!

Why anyone would want to smell or taste that crap for three months out of the year is a mystery to me. But bear in mind, I completely enjoy the smell of diesel fumes and love potted meat.

That’s essentially what pumpkin spice flavoring is. Good ol’ high fructose corn syrup. Is that even gluten-free or paleo? I don’t know, and I hope I never know or have to care or even somehow accidentally find out.

I’m not sure why all of a sudden pumpkin spice is everywhere, but it is. Why anyone would want to smell or taste that crap for three months out of the year is a mystery to me. But bear in mind, I completely enjoy the smell of diesel fumes and love potted meat. I’m not exactly one to follow trends or even explicit directions.

Anyway, if you guys need me, I’ll be over here harboring Andy Rooney-like grudges against other incomprehensibly popular things. And perfecting my turdurken latte.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

Avatar
Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

Check Also

Tom Schedler Publicly Reappears in Support of Local Comedy

Just two months after resigning in disgrace, former Secretary of State Tom Schedler made an impromptu appearance onstage Saturday night at a locally produced comedy game show in Baton Rouge.