Civil War Re-enactment Bombarded by Hipsters

Off the WireThe St. Albans Raid 150th Anniversary Commemoration in St. Albans, VT, experienced a lot of excitement when a bus full of hipsters arrived at the scene.

It seems the 20 or so 20-somethings went to the St. Albans Historical Museum on Church Street this weekend expecting a reunion concert from the now-defunct folk band the Civil Wars by mistake.

The Civil Wars,  2009-2014.
The Civil Wars, 2009-2014.

Outfitted in yoga pants, knit woolen scarves, and a variety of brightly colored plain Converse sneakers, they took the locals by surprise, especially as they entered the Mayor’s Ball, a formal affair where participants were dressed entirely in Civil War-era uniforms and formal ballroom attire.

“I had to eat at a Stuckey’s on the way here because we ran out of money. Those weren’t even organic pecans in that pecan log.”

The 2nd South Carolina String Band, seen here, beat the 1st South Carolina String Band in a Hunger Games-style competition to win the coveted spot of official South Carolina String Band for the St. Alban’s Raid. Bandleader Jebediah Caulfield said, “Do not fuck with a guy who can play a pie pan mounted to a stick.”
The 2nd South Carolina String Band, seen here, beat the 1st South Carolina String Band in a Hunger Games-style competition to win the coveted spot of official South Carolina String Band for the St. Alban’s Raid. Bandleader Jebediah Caulfield said, “Do not fuck with a guy who can play a pie pan mounted to a stick.”

Excitedly expecting to hear the soulful and haunting harmonies of Joy Williams and John Paul White, they were shocked to behold the 2nd South Carolina String Band performing classic Civil War-era tunes such as “Dixie’s Land,” “Buffalo Gals,” and “Camptown Races” in their place.

“September 18-21 were set aside in the city to commemorate the 150th anniversary of the St. Albans Raid, not some rock ‘n’ roll, miscreant, drug-addled, devil-worshipping band,” stated Gary Rutkowski, executive editor of the St. Albans Messenger and part-time Kenny Rogers impersonator.

A more-than-usually distraught hipster.
An exceptionally distraught hipster.

“I rode a bus all the way from Portland for this concert,”Harrison Farnsworth whined. “I had to eat at a Stuckey’s on the way here because we ran out of money. Those weren’t even organic pecans in that pecan log.”

Farnsworth continued, “I sold my vintage black converse that Henry Winkler wore on Happy Days. Do you know how that feels? He was, like, the original hipster.”

After Farnsworth was pummeled by a man dressed as a union solder for disrespecting “The Fonz,” distraught hipsters were treated for shock and sent back whence they came with commemorative Civil War raid rulers, hoodies, and aluminum mugs filled with pumpkin spice lattes.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Ruby42

Ruby42
Ruby42 is an artist / poet / comedian / writer / pornographer / baker of boozy bacon cakes and thinks it sucks to be you.

Check Also

Cortana Mall to Be Taken Off Life Support

Doctors at Our Lady of Lake Hospital sadly report a former major shopping venue will soon be taken off life support.