Slapping Bitches: NOT a Ray Rice Story

Altered StatesE! Television, Bravo, the Kardashians, Real Housewives, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Big Brother, any reality show in general … What the fuck?!

Seriously, what are you guys doing? What’s the draw? What’s the appeal? Why do people care? Why do folks tune in?

Perhaps too many questions for my lead, but these shows are a cesspool for mindnumbing, de-educationalizing, flagrant stupidity supposedly passed off as entertainment. The E in E! Television stands for entertainment. I, for one, am not entertained.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, loves these shows. She says it’s mindless entertainment and she can’t help but watch. And she’s not alone.

I’ve come up with a genius idea that will soothe my rage and cure my jealousy toward the rich-and-famous-for-nothings at the same time.

Earlier this year, the finale of The Bachelorette had 7.6 million viewers, according to Nielsen ratings, making it the No. 1 most-watched show in July. It was followed by Keeping Up With the Kardashians at No. 2 (ha ha … No. 2), and The Real Housewives (the article didn’t specify what cast) rounded out the top three.

Why do so many people give a shit about what these lavishly rich fools are doing with their money? And why should I care?

I’m not sure why these shows make me so angry, but they do. Maybe it’s jealousy. Maybe I’m just a hater because I don’t have millions of dollars. Maybe it’s because these people continue to make all this money by just hanging out on yachts and getting into staged verbal (sometimes physical) altercations with their castmates. Maybe it’s because I just can’t stand to hear those annoying bitches’ voices.

Real-Housewives-of-Beverly-Hills
Sounds like feral cat rape.

The closest thing I can compare their voices to is this: We have a ton of feral cats in our neighborhood. At 3 in the morning, they like to fight, fuck, or just scream as loud as possible. It sounds like an all-out, terrible cat-raping session happening under our house. I can tell you this (to quote the horse from Ren & Stimpy), “No sir. I don’t like it.”

So, I’ve come up with a genius idea that will soothe my rage and cure my jealousy toward the rich-and-famous-for-nothings at the same time. I’m going to fly around the country and slap bitches.

That’s right. I’m going to buy a plane ticket to New York, Jersey, the O.C., and Beverly Hills and slap every single one of them. (Not Atlanta. I’m scared of Atlanta Housewives.)

Not only that, I’m going to video it. That would be the best show ever. Maybe I could get Joe Rogan to host it with me.

Nah, Rogan probably wouldn’t do it. He’s totally opposed to violence against women. Maybe, if he saw that I was only a 140-pound man with girly wrists. And that when I say “bitches,” I’m including all the dudes in those shows as well. And when I say “slap,” I mean open-palmed – no closed-fist, Ray Rice-style punches. Then maybe he’d reconsider.

Speaking of scary ladies, what is going on with Bruce Jenner?

Man, that’d be awesome. I’d be rich-and-famous-for-nothing in no time.

There are several downsides, however.

  1. I’d get arrested … a lot.
  2. I would get suspended indefinitely from the NFL.
  3. As mentioned before, some of these Real Housewives are super scary and could probably kick the shit out of me. Ladies like Teresa from Jersey, Vicki from Orange County, definitely the Real Housewives of Atlanta, or even big bad Khloe Kardashian.

Speaking of scary ladies, what is going on with Bruce Jenner? That dude was an Olympic gold medalist 40 years ago. He was a good-looking man. He was on the Wheaties box, for Christ’s sake. Now look at him. Look at what the Kardashians have done to him. They’ve turned him into 60-year-old pre-op. I swear to God. Bruce Jenner is going to be Brandy Jenner very soon.

bravo-andy-cohen-mama-elsa-patton
Bravo’s Andy Cohen and Janice from The Electric Mayhem.

These Hollywood people and their plastic surgery also frighten me. In an episode of Housewives, one of these bimbos was talking about her son. She said, “Sometimes I just want to shake him and say, ‘What are you doing to yourself? Stop! You don’t need to gentrify yourself to make you feel better.’”

My first thought was, “Wow! Gentrify yourself? That’s crazy. Why would her son (a rich kid) make himself ‘feel better’ by moving into a shitty neighborhood?”

Then I realized she didn’t say “gentrify.” She said, “You don’t need to inject yourself with stuff [steroids] to make you feel better.”

Whew! That’s much better. Maybe I should get my ears checked out. I was way off on that one. “Gentrify,” “inject yourself” – not even close.

However, I totally agree with her. He absolutely shouldn’t have to inject himself with stuff to make himself look or feel better. At the same time, that is the most hypocritical thing I’ve ever heard.

That plastic surgery look. It’s completely noticeable. Take a look at the Papa John’s guy in his latest commercial. He looks like shit.

That’s exactly what all of these Hollywoodians do. They inject botox, saline, fat from their asses, etc., into their faces … all to make themselves “look” and “feel” better.

That has got to be the ugliest look going around right now. That plastic surgery look. It’s completely noticeable. Take a look at the Papa John’s guy in his latest commercial. He looks like shit.

Maybe they want people to notice. As if it’s a haircut or a new pair of shoes. Whatever the case may be, I find that look to be gross. (Except fake titties. Not crazy, huge, ridiculous fake titties, but subtle shape and lifting is cool. Also acceptable are nose jobs, but only for those folks who have an abnormally enormous schnoz.)

The Hollywood scene is a strange, cutthroat, competitive culture that I will hopefully never understand. Where someone can be famous for an allegedly “leaked” sex tape without being labeled a porn star.

Everyone is trying to be the youngest, hottest, most-loved, most-envied, most-popular kid on the block, and there’s no points for second place. It’s a sad and fascinating reality. But it’s also a testament to what our American culture has evolved (or devolved) into: a lazy generation only motivated by easy money and cheap fame, willing to sacrifice all dignity and respect for a chance to be in the spotlight. A hard, fast race to the top of the Hollywood Hills in a country where everyone wants the same thing … to get rich by doing nothing. A horrifying epidemic that, unfortunately, cannot be fixed with a few slapped faces.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Johnny Valentine

Johnny Valentine
Johnny Valentine is striving to be the Hunter S. Thompson of his generation. Take a walk on the wild side with him.

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