September 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top 10 contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from August 1-31, 2014.

10. Genie S., 47, 1st-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and headlights required. 
That’s right. Police found Genie in a bottle … of booze.

9. Carmisha P., 18, 1st-offense DWI, identity theft, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane use, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and no driver’s license on person.
Eighteen is awfully young to be so fed up with your life that you’re trying to be someone else. Maybe that’s why Carmisha likes getting blitzed.

SHOCKER: A Denham Springs resident driving recklessly through Watson was reportedly toting nearly a gram of meth in two separate bags!

8. Gregory S., 30, 2nd-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, improper lane use, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Gregory is from California, which means he has a prescription for his weed. Sadly, he ran out of rolling papers and used the script.

ray-janay-rice7. Kristopher P., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and disobeying a traffic control device.
Kristopher treats his liver like Ray Rice treats his women. (That’s right. We went there.)

6. David P., 47, 3rd-offense DWI, running a red light, passing in a no-passing zone, operating a vehicle with a suspended license, manufacture/distribution of Schedule II narcotics, and use and sale of drug paraphernalia.
David, a Denham Springs resident, was stopped after an off-duty cop spotted him running red lights and passing other cars in no-passing zones through Watson, according to a police report. When a state trooper showed up to take over the investigation, he searched David’s silver 2005 Nissan Altima. SHOCKER: A Denham Springs resident driving recklessly through Watson was reportedly toting nearly a gram of meth in two separate bags!

5. Glenn V., 51, 4th-offense DWI and stopping a vehicle in the roadway.
“What’s the problem, officer? Would you rather I keep driving while fixing another Jack and Coke?”

4. Shellie Newcomer, 46, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, improper lane use, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
With a minimum of four DWIs under her belt, Shellie is anything but a Newcomer to the BACS.

Andrew’s arresting officer doesn’t know who he’s messing with. And given Andrew’s usual state of severe inebriation, neither does Andrew.

3. Addison H., 25, fourth-offense DWI, driving too slow, speeding, and driver’s license required.
Driving too slow and speeding? Addison must be a bipolar drunk driver.

2. Andrew E., 23, 4th-offense DWI, public intimidation, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, and improper lane use.
Andrew’s arresting officer doesn’t know who he’s messing with. And given Andrew’s usual state of severe inebriation, neither does Andrew.

1. George K., 37, fifth-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle.
If DWIs were Super Bowl rings, George just won one for the thumb, which would be really convenient since he’s going to be hitching rides for a while.

Congratulations, George. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

Check Also

BACS Honorable Mention: Thomas Shepherd

Despite being three times over the legal limit for driving, Thomas Shepherd's gin-soaked brain managed to command his body to get away on foot after crashing into another car.