Welcome to August, the birth month of all you Leos (and a couple of Virgos) out there! This totally matters, because astrology is a real thing that actually works and incredibly can allow someone who smoked pot all through high school before dropping out for a job at Hot Topic to stare up into the vastness of the universe and determine your future based on what the stars and planets are up to.
Except that most “astrologers” couldn’t look up at a clear night from a dark sky site and tell you the difference between Mars and Orion’s nutsack. Most astrology enthusiasts learned their craft from the internet or a paperback they found in their weirdo aunt’s bookshelf in between a Piers Anthony novel and nonfiction guide to common garden gnomes.
Trust your instincts. Your desire to take medical advice only from Jenny McCarthy and doctors approved by Oprah is backed up by thousands of homeschooling mothers. How could they all be wrong?
The point is, there is no reason you should trust my assertions as to what the future holds for you any less than whatever bullshit you see in the paper (what is this, the 1950s?) or on your daily Facebook horoscope app. When it comes down to the infinity of possibility, I’m just as likely to be right as they are.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Toward the end of the month, over dessert at a midpriced restaurant, you will come to the decision to have gender reassignment surgery. Avoid the years of psychological counseling and hormone therapy by getting started at home with a carrot grater and some super glue.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There is no greater happiness than that which comes with absolute freedom. It’s time to start pooping with the doors open.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Quit fretting about your retirement. Start playing the lottery, or adopt the Joe Biden plan and become vice president so you can see the country, never pay for a meal, and have the Secret Service help you out of the shower.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): That need to serve justice you’ve been feeling is healthy and natural. Start small by pantsing teens at the mall who are wearing low-slung trousers.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Fulfill that wanderlust by finally visiting one of those exotic places you always see on TV. Book your trip today to an exciting location like Gaza, Damascus, or lovely Ferguson, MO.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Trust your instincts. Your desire to take medical advice only from Jenny McCarthy and doctors approved by Oprah is backed up by thousands of homeschooling mothers. How could they all be wrong?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Today will be full of surprises. Not big surprises, mind you, but things you couldn’t possibly know ahead of time, like when diarrhea will strike or the exact time you’ll be eating dinner.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): It’s a great time for you to begin a new project or life goal. Pick up a treadmill to start the long road toward physical health, or buy a bunch of craft supplies to start that business you’re always talking about. What I’m saying is, it’s a good time to drop a bunch of money into something you have little or no hope of actually following through on in the off chance that it’ll motivate you to actually keep going through the next week.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): The rest of the month looks like it’s going to be busy for you. This may mean new projects at work, exciting home improvements, or long nights with your crab shampoo and tiny comb.
It’s a good time to drop a bunch of money into something you have little or no hope of actually following through on in the off chance that it’ll motivate you to actually keep going through the next week.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Few things bring us as much joy as the stuff that reminds us of our childhood. Recapture your youth for a moment by eating your favorite ice cream or just standing in the middle of a playground full of children and pissing your pants.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You’ve been keeping too much bottled up inside lately. This is unhealthy for your body and spirit and should be remedied soon through the sweet release of alcohol, drugs, or risky behavior with total strangers.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Deep down, you know the only thing keeping you from achieving your goals is a couple extra hours in the day. Add more time by taking dumps only on Thursdays, thus freeing up that otherwise wasted time the rest of the week.