Country Groundhog Garth Brooks Emerges From Safe House, “Ready to Make Some Noise”

Off the Wire

In the dusty plains of Oklahoma this week, a much older but much beloved and missed Garth Brooks emerged from the safe house he entered nearly a decade and a half ago in anticipation of the technology Armageddon of Y2K.

Sources are not sure if Brooks, he of country music legend and the second-most popular recording artist in American history behind only Elvis Presley, finally left because he realized the coast was clear or if he simply ran out of Pop Tarts.

“I’ve really written some great stuff that I hope won’t just end up on Napster or something.”

Decked in a Von Dutch trucker cap and smelling of Cool Water, Brooks immediately met with a throng of reporters outside his former bunker, announcing that he is now ready to record and release new music.

“I’ve got some stuff I’ve been working on in here and I’m ready to make some noise!” he laughed. “Don’t think I’ve just been on LiveJournal or America Online chat rooms all this time!”

He continued: “I’ve really written some great stuff that I hope won’t just end up on Napster or something. I’m really, really hoping to collaborate with some hot, new music artists, beyond just the country genre, like maybe Matchbox 20 or even Creed. It’s exciting stuff!”

Brooks has been notoriously hesitant in the past to join the digital music revolution.

“I know everybody wants me to put my catalog out digitally, so I’ve been working on that, too, while I was down here,” he said. “I set up a GeoCities page where, in the future, everyone can just dial up and download my music for a flat fee. I’m super pumped about it!”

Asked what else he’d been working on for all this time, Brooks said he’d mostly been watching “Friends,” and also asked that no one tell him who won the first season of CBS’s “Survivor” or if Ross and Rachel end up together.

“I can stop by and finally see the World Trade Center! This country boy’s always wanted to do that!”

“Really I can’t even tell you how excited I am to be outside in the fresh air,” Brooks said. “I’m really looking forward to promoting this new stuff on Leno … or maybe, if she’ll have me, Oprah. And maybe if I get on Letterman, I can stop by and finally see the World Trade Center! This country boy’s always wanted to do that!”

Asked about short-term plans, and what he and wife Trisha Yearwood planned to do after being cooped up in a bunker for years, he just grinned and said, “Well, honestly, today is the most exciting day I’ve had in quite some time. After all this hullabaloo, I think me and Trish are just gonna settle in and have us a Blockbuster night!”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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