August 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top 10 contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of DWI according to The Advocate reports from July 1-31, 2014.

10. Excel B., 64, 1st-offense DWI, improper lane use, driver’s license not in possession, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Excel thinks a spreadsheet is something you put on a bed.

9. Jesus V., 39, 1st-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, improper lane usage, and passing in a no-passing zone.
Possession of alcohol? It was water when Jesus got in his car.

8. Karen T., 46, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, hit-and-run, and abuse/unlawful use of toxic vapors.
Karen’s maiden name is Huff.

Possession of alcohol? It was water when Jesus got in his car.

7. Ellis W., 48, 1st-offense DWI and intentional exposure to AIDS virus.
According to a police report, Ellis, who’s HIV-positive, spit in a deputy’s face while being driven to prison. Anyone can have cocktails with friends. Maybe Ellis wanted to have drug cocktails with someone.

Alan-Parson-Project6. Allen Parsons, 34, 2nd-offense DWI, obstruction of a public highway, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
Cops refer to booking Allen into jail as the Allen Parsons Project. The security camera is the “Eye in the Sky.”

5. Tarril F., 59, 4th-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Fever, bleeding, and diarrhea: If you have these symptoms, you either have Ebola or you spent the night partying with Tarril.

4. Passmore F., 43, 4th-offense DWI.
Passmore’s going to be pissed when he finds out they don’t have the SEC Network in prison.

tony-stewart3. Terrell J., 32, 4th-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Terrell’s hero is Tony Stewart. Just like Stewart, he won’t stop til he kills someone. And even then, he’ll still want to get behind the wheel.

2. Christopher T., 41, 2nd-offense DWI, improper child restraints, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of a firearm with drugs, and distribution/manufacturing of a Schedule I drug.
“Hey, Junior, put down that formula and climb in the back seat and get Daddy’s Glock and bag of weed.”

Passmore’s going to be pissed when he finds out they don’t have the SEC Network in prison.

1. Michael T., 32, 3rd-offense DWI, contraband in a penal institution, reckless operation of a vehicle, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and possession of Schedule II drugs.
Michael’s contraband-smuggling prowess is so legendary, his nickname in prison is Sphincterella, namely because a slipper-full of Oxys perfectly fits his rectum.

Congratulations, Michael. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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