Why Do The Doors Suck So Hard?

Music Snob

Let me preface this by saying two things. One, I realize I am probably in for a complete world of shit with what I am about to say. Two, yes, I do find rock music from the late ’60s to early ’70s (classic rock, if you will) to be really delightful overall. I love The Beatles – especially when they start getting LSD-weird – I adore The Who, and I think Janis Joplin has one of the best voices ever in rock music or the blues, period. Plus, I’m sure all that flower power shit was great.


I really fucking hate The Doors. “Riders on the Storm.” “People Are Strange.” “L.A. Woman.” “Light My Fire.” All of it. Any of it. If it has keyboardist Ray Manzarek playing the god-awful Holy Church of Satan organ in it, I hate it.

How in the good shit lollipop do you have a rock band with no fucking bass guitar?

I don’t ask a lot of rock music, but asking me to accept that your band will have keyboards rather than a proper bass player will all but force me not to buy your 8-tracks or cassettes. It also will force me to jump from a moving car if one of your tunes happens to come on the radio. I’m serious; I lost my last two cars like that.

Ray Manzarek’s “stranger” was a lousy substitute for a real bass player.

And how in the good shit lollipop do you have a rock band with no fucking bass guitar? I would posit that you don’t: You have a backup gringo mariachi band that should only play in Tex-Mex restaurants within San Antonio proper.

And only when every member of the real mariachi band dies in a plane crash with the Big Bopper onboard are you allowed to play. That’s when I want to hear The Doors ever again: when the Big Bopper comes back to life and re-dies in the exact same plane crash. And not before.

Can you even name another band with no bass player? I can name two off the top of my head: The White Stripes and The Black Keys. One of them has broken up, and the other finds a way to somehow suck pretentiously.

Do you know why Meg White, the titty-haver half of The White Stripes, is in hiding now? Out of the shame of not having had a member to play bass. And social anxiety maybe, from people always watching her tits.

In real life, where I visit from time to time, everyone knows bass players are always the most awesome member of the band, with very few noted exceptions (not my fault Limp Bizkit and Whitesnake have bassists, too). I knew I couldn’t be the only person who feels this way, so I, in a quest for knowledge, went to the pantheon of American research (Yahoo! Answers) and searched for: “Should my band have a bass player?”

The results: Yahoo! user Miss Delanne, a mere seven years ago, said: “A band without Bass is like a morning without coffee, a cookie with no milk, peanut butter wit no jelley, for goodness sake!!!!!!” This was voted best answer, out of six answers, and I could not agree more.

American youth have always had a well-documented love of the tortured artist, and God knows Jim Morrison sure thought he was one.

But back to The stupid Doors and bloody organ music. I could live without bass, really I could. Just why substitute with the organ? It ends up sounding like Vincent Price got stoned with the Grateful Dead. The organ just has no place in rock music. That means your ass, too, “In-a-Gadda-da-Vida.”

Organ rock crap is worse than nails on a chalkboard to me; it’s more like having Hep C of the earhole. Within the first few notes of any of it, but especially The Doors’ music, I tense up like I’m about to be throat-punched, and I’m always reminded of every guy I ever had to be nice to for free pot.

It's tortuous fooling young people into thinking you're more creative than you really are.
It’s tortuous fooling young people into thinking you’re more creative than you really are.

Look, I sort of get why people liked lead singer Jim Morrison. American youth have always had a well-documented love of the tortured artist, and God knows Jim Morrison sure thought he was one. I just think maybe Jimi Hendrix was a way cooler cat. He probably didn’t allow keyboards near him … unless he could play them with his teeth.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I really and truly hate The Doors. I know most people don’t share my opinion, though, because I again consulted Yahoo! Answers. The No. 1 answer for: “Why do The Doors suck so much?” was given five years ago by a user named BigAl, who said, “The question you should be asking is why do YOU suck so much?”

And that’s really a question beyond my expertise.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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