Sen. David "Fuck and Flee" Vitter

An Open Letter to Sen. David Vitter

TRS-UB-IllingDear Mr. Vitter,

You don’t know me, but I’ve disliked you for a long time. I would’ve continued not liking you in private, but then you went and announced your candidacy for governor. Since you won’t go gently into that good night, I’m compelled to dislike you publicly. I figure the best way to do this is to tell you (and anyone kind enough to read this) why you’re uniquely unlikable.

I can’t cite every egregious thing you’ve done. I don’t have that kind of time. Instead, I’ll try to explain to you why I (and so many others) wish you’d just go away.

Let’s start with your hypocrisy. You’ve always fancied yourself a family man, a Christian. You’ve campaigned, consistently, as a family values conservative. You prided yourself on this.

I can’t cite every egregious thing you’ve done. I don’t have that kind of time.

The truth is that you’re none of these things. You’re a liar and a degenerate whoremonger.

Honestly, I’ve never cared about the sex lives of politicians. Bill Clinton’s clumsy cocksmanship was always amusing to me and completely unrelated to anything that mattered.

But you’re different. You’ve gone to such lengths to highlight your God-fearingness, and you’ve made a bunch of noise about opening public meetings with prayers. Astonishingly, you’ve continued to do this even after you were caught having sex with prostitutes in D.C. in 2007.

For those who don’t know, you were actually the star of a high-profile prostitution bust. (Side note: The madam who ran the hooker business you helped support decided to kill herself rather than face jail time.) It was even reported that you liked to wear diapers when visiting your favorite escorts.

Of course, you apologized and called your indiscretions a “serious sin,” but we all know you were forced to say that. Your apology was a staged spectacle at best, a political penance that had to be paid.

You even managed to muck up the apology. Sure, you mouthed a bunch of niceties, and I imagine your PR team was pleased. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Rather than face the media alone and admit what you did, you dragged your wife onto the stage with you, so that she could suffer your shame in public.

Seriously, what kind of person does that? It’s not enough that you were caught wearing diapers and banging hookers behind her back? I hope the political capital you regained as a result of that was worth her dignity. (Second side note: It wasn’t.)

Let’s turn to your actual record as public official, which is unsurprisingly terrible. You’ve opposed immigration reform; you supported a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage; you’ve undermined efforts to reform the corrupt financial industry; you don’t support family planning services; you opposed the moratorium on offshore drilling after the BP rig exploded; you tossed Louisianans under the bus in order to solicit campaign contributions from the formaldehyde industry; you’ve gleefully fomented “birtherism”; you’re loathed by your colleagues in D.C. but hugely popular with industry lobbyists; you’ve thwarted EPA efforts to regulate the oil and gas industry (Final side note: You’ve received $1.1 million from the oil and gas industry.), which has raped the Louisiana coastline for years; and when running for re-election, you shamelessly smeared Charlie Melancon with an overtly racist campaign ad.

Your record of non-accomplishments is spectacular and too long to catalog here.

Your voting record is even worse: no on the Protect Women’s Health from Corporate Interference Act; no on the Paycheck Fairness Act; no on the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act; no on expanding the Children’s Health Insurance Program; no on repealing tax subsidies for companies that ship jobs overseas; no on the State Children’s Health Insurance Program Reauthorization Act; no on medicinal marijuana; no on plans to reduce the prison population; no on the Employment Non-Discrimination Act; no on the Middle Class Tax Cut Act; no on gun control; and yes on the disastrous Iraq War and on expanding the PATRIOT Act’s roving wiretaps.

This list is arbitrary, of course. Your record of non-accomplishments is spectacular and too long to catalog here.

The point is that you haven’t achieved anything of note in the Senate, and what little you have done has been to your advantage. You’re utterly useless as a public servant. That you remain a viable candidate for governor boggles the mind. It’s depressing, really. But if this letter convinces even one person not to vote for you, I count that a victory and a public service.

Take care, Senator.

Your pal,
RedShtick-Top-ColumnStopSean


Sean Illing is a reluctant academic with a penchant for pissing people off with words. He has found an outlet for his smartassery here at The Red Shtick. You can follow him on Twitter @sean_illing, or learn more about the man at SeanIlling.com.

About Sean Illing

Sean Illing
Sean Illing is a reluctant academic with a penchant for pissing people off with words. He has found an outlet for his smartassery here at The Red Shtick.

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