Legolas and the Bieb

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Yeah, so, Orlando Bloom supposedly took a swing at Justin Bieber recently, and like all folks in the comedy business, I couldn’t be happier. This is the sort of news story that comes along, and you don’t really need to do any work. It’s already intrinsically funny.

Like most males, I find both parties involved to be annoying. I think it’s a natural, hard-wired instinct: Any celebrity who has a certain number of women swooning over him, we guys just get irked. I’ve never meet Bloom or Bieber, and have no idea whether I’d get along with either one in person. I simply assume not.

Presumably, women find certain women annoying for the same reason: Don’t tell me none of you ladies holds just a smidgen of loathing for, say, Megan Fox.

I would like to see more of these types of win-win celebrity brawl stories.

Due to this hard-wiring, as well as the fact that neither Bieber nor Bloom seems like the Mickey Rourke type, the notion of the two of them getting into a physical altercation simply reeks of awesomesauce. The only downside to that kind of a match is that it’s hard to imagine a world where either one of them ends up in the hospital by the time the thing is over. Unless it’s for nervous exhaustion.

But you can’t have everything.

I would like to see more of these types of win-win celebrity brawl stories. Like, say, Kim Kardashian getting into a drag-out, hair-pulling fight with Fergie. Or Hillary Clinton could beat the crap out of John Boehner, purely so he could hold a press conference afterward where he’d be black, blue, orange and crying.

For now, I suppose I’ll be happy with what we got: Two guys you just can’t picture as being terribly menacing mixing it up for our entertainment. Next time, let’s hope someone hands them some knives so they can do a proper job of it.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Jared Kendall

A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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