Author’s note: I love music, but some of it makes me very angry, and not in the good Rage Against the Machine way. I find it’s helpful to just let it all out, feel the anger, and then release it.
The other day, driving, I heard a song that really grinds my gears, as the kids say. I realized the song made me so pissed off – and maybe irrationally so – that I just had to write it all out. OK, here we go!
The only other song I can think of that fills me with more rage is the Full House theme song, or maybe “Yellow” by Coldplay.
Some musical artists are easy to ridicule, almost too easy. Rapper, and noted export from the Land of Ginger, Macklemore is one glaring example.
Yes, the “Thrift Store” song was cute and catchy, and maybe that one time I almost kinda liked it for a second, but I find his earnest and ridiculous ode to not-being-gay, but-totally-OK-with-YOU-being-gay-cuz-my-uncle-was-gay anthem “Same Love” to be a suck song on the level of “Muskrat Love.” The only other song I can think of that fills me with more rage is the Full House theme song, or maybe “Yellow” by Coldplay.
“Same Love” a stupid, useless, awful song, and I resent the fuck out of ever having heard it. I curse the day it was created. I hope the people with song credits to this terrible piece of musical drivel contract scurvy. I fart in their general direction.
Yes, I realize this is an older song now, but don’t you see? We’re stuck with it forever. I hear it on the radio and have to be vigilant and change the station before stroke symptoms set in.
“Same Love” was actually considered a positive step toward mainstream acceptance of gay marriage, and that’s stupid. Let Elton John write that shit. He has a real, live gay husband! Macklemore has a guncle? BFD! We all have at least one gay uncle, and if he’s worth his glitter, he insists you call him “guncle.”
This song is the equivalent of some pompous jock itch telling you he tolerates “the queers.” The fact that people view it otherwise makes me want to launch Liberace’s piano out a window. Hell, launch myself out a window.
The following is a list of things I would rather do than ever, ever hear this song again.
1. Allow myself to be strapped barefooted to a board while 30 kindergartners paper-cut me between my toes.
2. Be reincarnated as a potato chip.
3. Watch a timeshare presentation.
4. Go through photo albums with YOUR grandma.
5. Be eaten alive by angry clowns.
6. Meet Terry Bradshaw.
7. Go back in time and get mustard gassed in World War I.
8. Trade livers with Lemmy Kilmister.
9. Find out I’m adopted.
10. Finish every sentence I say for the rest of my life with “Roll Tide.”
I could go on, but I’ll keep it at 10.
I do feel a little better now.