If you like to see shit explode for no apparent reason, odds are you’re a Michael Bay fan. If you enjoy racist caricatures, misogyny, and not thinking, you’re also probably a Michael Bay fan. And if you think movies are better without a plot or developed characters, you’re almost certainly a Michael Bay fan.
To see a Michael Bay film is to feel yourself becoming dumber in real time.
But if you’re like me and you think female characters should bring more to the story than tits and tiny shorts, and that not every scene should conclude with a completely gratuitous explosion, then you probably hate Michael Bay. And you should.
To see a Michael Bay film is to feel yourself becoming dumber in real time. Merely watching a trailer (for any of his films) leaves you a little stupider than you were before. His movies are the cinematic equivalent of being blindfolded and bombarded by firecrackers and juvenile one-liners.
Take his latest turd, Transformers 4: Age of Extinction. Now, I’ll be honest. I haven’t seen this film. After being duped into watching the second Transformers movie, I’ve refused to watch another Bay film. But it doesn’t matter. I already know what happens: Things explode, robots talk and fight, things explode, bad jokes are told, guys fist bump, more things explode, people chase each other in cars, women are mercilessly objectified, things explode, and the world is finally saved (i.e., Armageddon).
Basically, if you’ve seen one Michael Bay movie, you’ve seen them all. They’re indistinguishable.
The story never makes sense. The sequences are illogical. (Example: There’s a scene in Transformers 2 where characters enter a museum in Virginia and exit into an Arizona airfield without any explanation whatsoever). The female characters are nonpersons. All nonwhite characters are defined by racial stereotypes. The male characters are dim-witted meatheads who shoot stuff while competing for ownership of the female characters. And random low-angle shots of dudes with guns are occasionally interrupted by huge explosions.
That’s it. That’s every Michael Bay movie.
If you absolutely have to see something big, dumb, and loud, just illegally download one of his films.
And yet, somehow, Michael Bay keeps making movies. And sadly, people continue to see these movies, which is why they never end. If you’re one of these people, please stop. Seriously, I’ll do anything. Just stop. Please.
I don’t want to live in a world where Michael Bay is allowed to succeed. It just feels wrong. His films are an abomination, and every time they succeed, studios are less likely to finance nonstupid films made by people other than Michael Bay.
So I beg you, friends: Don’t go see the new Transformers movie. And don’t go see any other Michael Bay movie. If you absolutely have to see something big, dumb, and loud, just illegally download one of his films. It’s the honorable thing to do.
Sean Illing is a reluctant academic with a penchant for pissing people off with words. He has found an outlet for his smartassery here at The Red Shtick. You can follow him on Twitter @sean_illing, or learn more about the man at SeanIlling.com.