Once upon a time in what is now Iraq, there lived a moderately wealthy goat herder who got pissed off at his son. In a fit of paternal rage, he drug him out to a rock to slash his throat. Before he could commit the ultimate act of grounding, a pair of half-drunk fellow tribesmen wandered around the corner and busted him.
“Whatcha doin’, Abraham?” asked the first.
“Uh, nothin’,” he replied, uncertainly.
“You sure?” asked the second, “’Cause it looks like you’re totally killing your son Isaac.”
“Uh, I was,” answered Abraham, “because … God … told me to…?”
“Did he?!” asked the tribesmen in unison.
Vance McAllister’s infidelity was all the more buttery and delicious as he’d spent a hefty amount of his own money and resources to make sure that the people voted for him as the more Christian and family-oriented choice
That evening, having gotten away with attempted murder, the moderately wealthy goat herder lay in his tent mulling over the day’s events. By bringing religion into his situation, the herdsman had been able to not only defuse a potentially hazardous situation for himself, but also gain a modicum of control over his two accusers. This had possibilities.
The next morning, the herdsman awoke with a plan to convince the rest of his tribe that he was not only speaking directly to God, but that God told him it was His will that the herdsman get all the land around his grazing territory, as well as the livestock, slaves, women, and property of his nonbelieving neighbors.
Things progressed along those lines for the next 3,000 years. Until…
Two days before Christmas 2013, a very recently elected U.S. representative who’d campaigned almost exclusively on his conservative Christian family values forgot that there were security cameras in his Monroe, LA, office and shared a rather lengthy kiss with the wife of a longtime friend.
The editor of The Ouachita Citizen happened upon a tape of this very incident and was kind enough to share it with the planet Earth.
Now, adultery among politicians is not that uncommon an incident. Infidelity among statesmen is something democracy has taken as a given from the moment Cleisthenes first hiked up his robe behind a stately Athenian column and flipped a drachma to a waiting prostitute.
Even so, Vance McAllister’s infidelity was all the more buttery and delicious as he’d spent a hefty amount of his own money and resources to make sure that the people voted for him as the more Christian and family-oriented choice over Gov. Bobby Jindal’s own candidate, state Sen. Neil Riser.
He asked the voters to pray for him. He prayed for himself. He even had the Christian-to-the-point-of-hate-speech reality show characters from Duck Dynasty appear in public on his behalf, touting him as the candidate Jesus would vote for were He able to pass the citizenship test and obtain a voter registration card.
When he was busted in the local then increasingly national news, he was asked to resign by Jindal (who I’m sure was waiting with his own candidate ready to humbly move into his newly vacated office). McAllister refused.
How long will Christians allow themselves to be played by candidates who know laying down the conservative/Christian/family values card will get votes?
Instead, he asked the public to pray for him once again. And also to leave him alone for a little bit, presumably while he prayed for his wife to quit throwing kitchen implements at him and swearing.
Last week, he asked the voters to pray for him yet again as he plans to run for re-election.
“I’ve publicly apologized to the people in the 5th District and more importantly worked through it with my family,” McAllister said. “I’ve said all I’m going to say about it. Now it’s up to the voters.”
Problem is, there will be slightly fewer voters praying for him this time around, since they will be focusing all their prayers (and votes) on the candidate the Robertsons from Duck Dynasty are supporting in the race this time around: their cousin, Zach Dasher.
This has to make Sunday morning really awkward for all of them since they attend the same church.
Without a doubt, McAllister will be garnering some returning Christian voters on nothing more than their Christian consciences telling them that it is what Jesus would have done. Vance is counting on it with every American Legion hall pulpit he steps up to.
The question in the runup to the election is “How long will Christians allow themselves to be played by candidates who know laying down the conservative/Christian/family values card will get votes?”
Jindal pulled it off twice and is planning on it shoehorning him into the Oval Office, as everyone in the state of Louisiana who has marked his increasing absence from the Governor’s Office knows. When Jindal “converted” to Christianity in his teens, it was less of a religious awakening than it was waking up to the fact that there is a dearth of conservative Hindus who vote outside of Bharatiya Janata Party lines.
The ones who portray themselves as morally superior to their opponents are so often the ones caught with their pants down and their genitals enmeshed in the genitals of someone they are in no way married to.
Jindal, McAllister, Ashburn, Ensign, Vitter, Corning, Allen, Craig, Murphy, Sanford, Foley, and every other statesman (or woman) who stands behind a lectern touting his conservative values can be guaranteed to tout his desire for forgiveness, prayer, and “privacy to heal” (but mostly forgiveness) when he’s busted flaunting those values in the most audacious way possible.
This isn’t to say hypocrisy doesn’t run thick and viscous in the veins of most politicians, but the ones who portray themselves as morally superior to their opponents are so often the ones caught with their pants down and their genitals enmeshed in the genitals of someone they are in no way married to.
It isn’t so much a “do as I say I do, not as I really do” attitude, either. These candidates don’t care about Christian morality beyond their outward appearance to prospective voters.
The problem with wanting to maintain an image is the things they have to do once they are elected in order to ensure their re-election. People who have taken the vow of Republicanism in order to effect fiscal changes are now championing laws and regulations based on superstitions that they know are garbage.
It’s Santa Claus.
There came a time when you were young when the concept of Santa was no longer viable. So you did the worst thing you could do about it: You asked your parents.
At this point, your parents had been locked into a lie regarding a magical, gift-granting time lord who rewarded good behavior on an annual basis for what amounts to your entire life. They are honor bound to continue the lie to maintain the power that the concept of Santa has over you for as long as possible. Otherwise, they’re going to have to start actually parenting instead of threatening you with an empty stocking in December.
Likewise, this garbage is hobbling our entire country for the sake of giving these assholes another term because they’re wholly incapable of getting real jobs. Moral pandering is the political equivalent of living in your mom’s basement instead of getting an apartment and working retail.
People who have taken the vow of Republicanism in order to effect fiscal changes are now championing laws and regulations based on superstitions that they know are garbage.
When you set yourself up as morally superior, anyone who opposes you must become an enemy by default. Otherwise, you cannot be seen as THE moral authority.
You cannot work with an enemy without being seen as weak or pandering, even if he shares common ideas and goals with you. There can be no crossing of the aisle. You cannot negotiate with someone you’ve openly compared to Hitler, even when he pushes ideas you yourself suggested years earlier.
You set yourself up as someone who exists to oppose the ideas of your rivals instead of leading the way to something wholly better. And you’re stuck in it.
Unfortunately, the GOP has dug this hole with its own semen-stained hands. Digging itself out will take a forward-thinking, intelligent individual who isn’t afraid to cross the aisle and kick a stagnant Congress into gear.
This country is aching for a fiscal conservative who can raise incomes, cut spending, and create jobs without starting a war. But unless that person can do it without alienating an intelligent and liberal-minded wave of young voters, the country will have to wait until 2020 or even 2024.
Oh well. At least SNL will have a treasure trove of Bobby Jindal material to revitalize the cast with next season.