July 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from June 1-30, 2014:

10. Edward G., 29, 1st-offense DWI, improper lane usage, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, and TV screen in view of driver.
Looks like someone couldn’t miss a single exciting second of World Cup action.

Now Steven’s arresting officer has a cool story about that time a drunk guy took his service weapon from him.

9. Essence D., 17, 1st-offense DWI and possession / distribution / cultivation / manufacturing of Schedule I drugs.
Every encounter with Essence is an Essence festival.

8. Steven E., 48, 1st-offense DWI, resisting an officer, reckless operation of a vehicle, and disarming of a peace officer.
Now Steven’s arresting officer has a cool story about that time a drunk guy took his service weapon from him.

7. Ashleigh K., 20, 2nd-offense DWI, license plate required, and display of plate violation.
Ashleigh’s vanity plate “DRNKGRL” must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

6. Jonathan C., 33, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, felon in possession of a firearm, possession of marijuana, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
In a pinch, you can make a bong out of a Glock. Jonathan learned that in prison.

5. Reynado A., 42, 1st-offense DWI, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of Schedule II drugs, and fugitive warrant.
A criminal soccer league club somewhere is missing its best forward.

beer-mug-world-cup4. Brett F., 24, 3rd-offense DWI, operating vehicle while driver’s license suspended, reckless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license suspended/revoked, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and invalid/missing inspection sticker.
Brett thinks the World Cup is a giant beer mug.

Brandy’s male friends say she’d make a lousy soccer player. She performs awful headers and uses her hands way too much.

3. Brandy T., 31, 3rd-offense DWI, driver’s license required, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession / distribution / manufacturing / cultivation of Schedule I drugs.
Brandy’s male friends say she’d make a lousy soccer player. She performs awful headers and uses her hands way too much.

2. Brent S., 57, 4th-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, driver’s license suspended/revoked, careless operation of a vehicle, and failure to maintain control of a vehicle.
Brent only watches the World Cup because he’s too high and/or drunk to figure out how to change the channel.

1. Fredrick W., 37, 7th-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and careless operation of a vehicle.
GOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations, Fredrick. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.

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About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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