Some things you shouldn’t say out loud because it broadcasts your ignorance and stupidity. So I’m just publishing mine to the internet instead …
- Ghana’s coach is wearing a suit. Wow, I’m looking at what’s probably the only suit in Ghana.
- USA should fire their strength and conditioning coach!
Even Italy and Belgium have black guys. The rest of the world is stealing our go-to move. Does Germany have any bla … Nah, I know. Stupid question.
- Portugal and Colombia should fire their strength and conditioning coaches. Wait, do soccer teams have strength and conditioning coaches?? What would they do? “OK, guys, don’t forget to stretch. Now run as fast as you can for two hours. Run only kind of fast while puking.”
- The Netherlands left the wooden shoes at home; smart move.
- Even Italy and Belgium have black guys. The rest of the world is stealing our go-to move. Does Germany have any bla … Nah, I know. Stupid question.
- That would’ve been so much cooler if they could’ve used their hands there.
- Seriously, you know how in hockey when they can grab the puck, but they have to put it down in front of them? Soccer needs that.
- Man, that Ronaldo is just dreamy. I love women, but let’s just say, “I get it, ladies.”
- Enough with the kicking it backwards!!!
- I wish the college football camera crew for ESPN was covering this. There’d be way more hot chick crowd shots.
- These refs are like SEC refs. International SEC refs.
- There’s more flops in this game than in Eddie Murphy’s career. But with better acting.
- If you were gonna cosplay a president at the World Cup, most wouldn’t go Teddy Roosevelt, but Teddy was American as fuck. Nice work. But then again, what’s a pudgy guy with a mustache gonna do? William Taft??! Get outta here with that shit.
- You know why this World Cup is awesome? Zero vuvuzelas.
Mexico’s coach is like an angry, excited yet lovable dry-humping rapist. But you know, like in a cuddly way.
- Mexico’s playing, so there’s a good chance your Home Depot’s parking lot and/or strip club is less crowded at the moment.
- Mexico’s coach is like an angry, excited yet lovable dry-humping rapist. But you know, like in a cuddly way.
- Wait, did he bite that guy? He seriously bit that guy. He must’ve left his pepper spray and rape whistle in his purse on the bench.
- I’m stuck in a meeting, so I’m going to do the most American thing I can think of: not pay attention, shirk responsibility, and follow the game on my iPhone. USA, USA, USA!!!
- “Hey, remember that time we all cared about soccer?” – Me, in two weeks
- So is Bradley like our D.J. Welter?? Does he have evidence that Klinsmann has Nazi ties or something?
- My Gaw, King … that’s German Vince McMahon’s music!!!
- Way to go, Portugal, you beautiful lispy bastards!!
- Seriously, ESPN, I shouldn’t have to rely on the internet for a daily dose of bouncy Brazilian curvy goodness. Is it the camera guy’s fault? The director? If I have to search ‘hot Brazilians’ online, I’m just gonna wind up on a nonsports website. Help me out here.
- Only in soccer can a tie feel like a loss followed by a loss that feels like a win.
- That was the most satisfying loss since virginity.
- Costa Rica vs. Greece, ugh. I can’t imagine how it smells on the field right now.
Mexico’s playing, so there’s a good chance your Home Depot’s parking lot and/or strip club is less crowded at the moment.
- Wow, liberals must hate this. All the patriotism, and countries competing against each other. “Can’t every game just end in a draw, you guys??? Can’t we all be the same?”
- Wow, conservatives must hate this. Think of all the conflict. They love the patriotism but hate that it’s over some fruity sport played by dirty foreigners.
- We’re definitely running out of hamstrings. Who makes a good dependable hamstring? Germany? Sounds like Germany would.
- Tim Howard has 15 saves so far. In hockey, that’s like 202 saves.
- I think some of these soccer referees just missed out on roles as henchmen in the Die Hard movies.
- Texas should hire Tim Howard to guard the border.
- We let a ginger score on us. Man, we really are behind the world in this sport.
- That was much more fun than I expected. This is my new Olympics. Which is to say, if the USA is out of it, then I don’t care about it. Print the shirts.