It’s July, the month when we celebrate our nation’s independence two days late with freshly grilled, processed meat by-products, alcohol, and explosions. Ahhhh, those oh-so-important explosions.
Your horoscope this month is best illustrated by a different species of firework, hand-picked for you by the exact same stars the cavemen, wise men, and modern astrologers all looked to for answers. (Actually, the stars have changed quite a bit between each of those groups, but if you’re egotistical enough to believe that the way giant balls of gas appear to you from your exact point in the infinity of space and time has some commentary on the way you should live your life, then why would you even question the utter crap I’m spoon-feeding you?)
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Black Cat Firecracker. While offering a touch of excitement and a hint of danger, it’s important to remember that these old standbys have a deceptively short fuse. Not planning ahead this month could leave you with an ice pack on your hand.
This month is going to suck so hard for you. You’re going to wish the sweet release of booze, drugs, and filthy, filthy sex was enough to distract you from it.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Sparklers. These are what parents give to the children they see as little more than burdens who must be amused if they are to remain silent. However, enterprising adults know that the judicious application of alcohol and other mood-altering substances can perk up even the most disappointing events.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Snake. Kids holding sparklers make fun of kids with snakes. This month is going to suck so hard for you. You’re going to wish the sweet release of booze, drugs, and filthy, filthy sex was enough to distract you from it. But no, it’s just going to be a silent, steadily growing mess.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Artillery Shell. Smart shoppers go right for these bad boys. They combine economy with reliability in a 1-2-3 punch of ignition, pop, and light show that’s guaranteed every time. This month is a stress-free ride, with just enough excitement to put a smile on your face.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Mexican “Adios Manos” Super Assortment. It was smuggled across the border underneath a pile of rotten cabbages, then purchased out of the back of a van with cash. It may blow up on you before you get it home. Or it may be nothing but a $100 box of duds. Things are looking way too unpredictable for you to get comfortable right now.
Life wants to be lived. Embrace the inherent danger of adventure, and explore something new and scary.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Fountain of Sparks. Without a doubt, the most fabulous choice in the whole hastily erected tent. Sure, it won’t light up the sky with a multicolored Mardi Gras of explosions, but it makes a great accessory if you’ve got the attitude to sell yourself already. Open up to coming out of your self-imposed closet of doubt.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Aerial Repeater. Also known as a “cake,” these colorful bundles make up for their cost with ease of operation and a crowd-pleasing show. Sometimes it’s best to play it safe and go with what you know will work, even if it lightens your wallet a bit.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): 烟花. Who knows what this thing’ll do?! It’s big and red, with a sticker portraying the Great Wall being blown apart slapped across the front of it. Life wants to be lived. Embrace the inherent danger of adventure, and explore something new and scary.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Bottle Rocket. Just like your ex, these are easy to operate, loud, and make a mess in your neighbor’s front lawn. Enjoy the ride this month, but wear protection.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Snaps. No matter how old you get or how massive your budget, everyone likes picking up a box of these at the register. Time and time again, the things we enjoy the most are the simple pleasures. Don’t get drawn in by the flash of the unattainable; there are little things close at hand that will make you far happier.
Just like your ex, these are easy to operate, loud, and make a mess in your neighbor’s front lawn. Enjoy the ride this month, but wear protection.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Roman Candles. There is nothing as thrilling as holding the power to propel balls of fire out of your very hands! Wield your power carefully this month, or else you’ll end up hitting your best friend in the eye and have to run to the emergency room.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Wheel. Most often seen attached to the front of shops in Mexico and China, these unassuming disks fill the street with light and heat far greater than most people expect. No matter how simple a situation may seem, prepare for things to get out of control quickly if you take your eyes off of them for too long.