June 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from May 1-31, 2014:

10. Taquanteeyus B., 30, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, and driving over a median.
Taquanteeyus is a Cherokee name that means “he with no more fucks to give.”

Karen thinks windshields are for pussies.

9. Karen K., 49, 1st-offense DWI, driving a vehicle without required equipment or in unsafe condition, motor vehicle registration exemption violation, inspection sticker switched, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, insurance required, and driver’s license expired.
Karen thinks windshields are for pussies.

8. Patrick R., 31, 1st-offense DWI and operating a vehicle with a suspended driver’s license.
Normally, BACS contestants do their damnedest to avoid police officers. But not Patrick. In fact, he essentially “self-reported,” in NCAA parlance. Patrick drove to State Police Troop A to report a hit-and-run. Unfortunately for him, a trooper noticed Patrick smelled like a bar mat and gave him a field sobriety test, which Patrick obvs failed.

7. Ladafeio D., 40, 3rd-offense DWI and possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle.
Ladafeio is French for “The dafeio.”

Patrick-Brown-Baton-Rouge_Mugshot6. Patrick B., 37, 3rd-offense DWI, operating a vehicle with a suspended license, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
A police report indicates Patrick’s blood-alcohol content was 0.244%, more than three times the legal limit for driving. In fact, Patrick was so intoxicated, he slipped himself roofies.

Shedrick-Butler-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot5. Shedrick B., 30, 3rd-offense DWI and careless operation of a vehicle.
Shedrick, who lives in Baker, admittedly drank beer in Plaquemine (because why else do people go there) and made it all the way to the Harding Boulevard exit off I-110, where cops spotted him hitting the curb with his Camry. Dude was cruising and almost brought it home when it suddenly all went to shit … just like LSU baseball.

4. Kirkland D., 35, 3rd-offense DWI, text messaging prohibited, and possession of alcohol in a vehicle.
“Dude I’m almost out of beer. O shot it’s the ducking cops! Ducking Siri.”

John was minding his own business when suddenly a house jumped in front of his Acura SUV.

3. Roderick C., 28, 3rd-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, and improper lane usage.
Roderick may be in his late 20s, but his liver is going through a midlife crisis.

Freddrick-Thomas-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot2. Freddrick T., 33, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
Freddrick was collared after getting his swerve on … literally. By the way, in case you were wondering, Freddrick spells his name that way for a reason. The extra D is for extra drunk.

John-Lopez-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot1. John L., 37, 3rd-offense DWI, illegally carrying a weapon, failure to report an accident, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of drug paraphernalia, hit-and-run, and aggravated criminal damage to property.
According to police, John was minding his own business, driving down Wilderness Avenue in Baton Rouge in the late hours of May 16, when suddenly a house jumped in front of his Acura SUV. With his vehicle stuck halfway in the deftly agile home, an obviously frightened John ran into the wilderness along Wilderness Avenue and hid in the woods with his gun and trusty bag of drug paraphernalia (because he knew the house would come and take the stuff away from him).

Congratulations, John. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

Check Also

BACS Honorable Mention: Thomas Shepherd

Despite being three times over the legal limit for driving, Thomas Shepherd's gin-soaked brain managed to command his body to get away on foot after crashing into another car.