OK, people, summer is right around the corner, and you know what that means: vacationing with lots of scantily clad eye candy (and lots of scantily clad eye kale), traffic gets less congested due to lack of school buses (but the roads are more dangerous because more teenagers are driving at all hours), radio stations will rape your auditory nerves by pressing the replay button on some catchy pop song they insist on calling the summer anthem but we know to be Satan’s wife queefing (there’s a reason these songs are called infectious: they’re demonic STDs), and, of course, summer blockbuster movies. (Yes, I know there is more to summer than what I just listed, but these things are the most common causes of pain and agony.)
And blockbuster season has begun in earnest. I’ve already knocked out two superhero movies, seen trailers for not one but two Michael Bay catastrophes (don’t say shit, because you know you’re going to see them both … and I know you like Nickelback, too), and seen the first two big comedies of the summer. And it’s the middle of May.
There are a lot of movies that I’m going to see and share with you people, so I decided, since this is my column and I can do whatever the fuck I want (like never spellcheck … because I don’t want to), I’m going to review both Neighbors and The Other Woman right here right now! Two movies, one column … yes, this will be full of shit.
The shit that’s in between the gags from the trailer is just shit to make you not give a fuck about these characters.
Neighbors is a raucous farce that blends the zaniness of the timeless classic Animal House with the dark and wickedly funny War of the Roses into a battle of wits between two groups of people separated by a generation, starring funnyman Seth Rogen and teen idol Zac Efron. Sounds like a recipe for greatness, right? Too bad the chef is blind and cooks with his feet! This was the most disappointing movie I’ve seen all year (and yes, I have seen The Amazing Spider-Man 2).
SPOILER ALERT! First off, if you’ve seen the trailer, then don’t waste your money buying a ticket, because not only do you get the entire story of the movie in less than two minutes, but you also get every funny joke and gag in the movie. If you were thinking the studio was holding back all the really good stuff for the movie, well, surprise sur-motherfucking-prise, there is no good stuff held back for the movie. The shit that’s in between the gags from the trailer is just shit to make you not give a fuck about these characters.
It had some potential, too. But like that guy who got straight A’s in high school but now still lives at home with his mother labeling food in the refrigerator, it definitely did not live up to it. Lisa Kudrow and Hannibal Buress have small roles that kind of give you a glimpse of what this movie should be, but Christopher Mintz-Plasse aka McLovin has maybe three lines in the whole movie … are you fucking shitting me? I’m about as sick of James Franco’s little brother as I am of James Franco, and somebody needs to tell Zac Efron that he will not make the move from teen heartthrob like Leonardo DiCaprio did … it’ll be more like Corey Feldman (shit, if we’re lucky, it’ll be more like Corey Haim).
If you get high enough, you’ll forget you’ve seen all these jokes a hundred times in the trailer and they’ll be funny to you again.
And when was the last time Seth Rogen made a great comedy? Was it Superbad? Seth Rogen is steadily becoming the M. Night Shyamalan of big-screen comedies. Apparently, he has done a Jonah Hill … lost the weight and decided not to be funny (except for 21 Jump Street – that’s my shit! I’m even going to see the sequel, bitches!).
I give Neighbors 6 Blunts and a magic mushroom, because if you get high enough, you’ll forget you’ve seen all these jokes a hundred times in the trailer and they’ll be funny to you again.
Our second movie, The Other Woman, is the funniest comedy of the year so far and will probably be the funniest comedy of the year. The story of a woman who learns her new boyfriend is married and then sparks an unlikely friendship with his unsuspecting wife and other mistress sounds like your typical chick flick fare. (Nothing against chick flicks, by the way, ladies, but generally, these films have more heart than hilarity.) This is anything but typical, people.
The last time I laughed this hard in a theater was The Nutty Professor, and I was an eighth of an ounce blowed (that means I was very high). Every person in the theater was damn near falling out of their chairs laughing. I noticed several people holding their hands over their mouths to try to contain the volume of their laughter (yep, I was doing it too)! The only bad thing about this movie is that the small theater was only half full (but the laughter was as loud as an IMAX theater at full capacity)!
The two of them together is like fire and cannabis … they make you laugh til you throw up.
I realize Cameron Diaz rarely if ever fails to deliver a great performance, and everyone knows that the funniest thing about Judd Apatow is his wife Leslie Mann (this bitch may be the funniest broad in movies IMNSHO), but the two of them together is like fire and cannabis … they make you laugh til you throw up. The chemistry these two have in this movie reminds me of Stir Crazy, Coming to America, Bad Boys, and, of course, Thelma and Louise.
I have no spoilers, because I want you to go see this movie, and I give The Other Woman No Blunts, because the movie is so funny sober, you’re going to laugh so hard and miss something, like the fact that Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann are the 21st century’s Lucy and Ethel.