May 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from April 1-30, 2014:

10. Jeremiah M., 33, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, driving with a suspended/revoked driver’s license, and possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle.
Jeremiah was a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine.
I never understood a single word he said,
But I helped him drink his wine.
He always had some mighty fine wine … and beer, and whiskey. All in his car.

Uduak is Swahili for “drunk as shit.”

9. Uduak E., 36, 2nd-offense DWI, operating a vehicle while under suspension for a prior offense, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Uduak is Swahili for “drunk as shit.”

8. Dwayne B., 26, 1st-offense DWI, speeding, reckless operation of a vehicle, contraband, distributing/manufacturing Schedule I drugs, and possession of a firearm with drugs.
You can pry Dwayne’s gun from his cold, dead, resin-stained hands.

7. Trey R., 25, 1st-offense DWI, suspended/revoked driver’s license, reckless operation of a vehicle, aggravated assault with a motor vehicle upon a peace officer, resisting an officer, and simple assault.
Trey’s arresting officer brought a gun to a car fight.

Jerry-Stovall-LSU6. James H., 37, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, improper lane usage, and speeding.
Many great athletes who made their mark in Baton Rouge hailed from the city of West Monroe: Jerry Stovall, Andrew Whitworth, and now James.

5. Eddie L., 47, 3rd-offense DWI and driving with a suspended/revoked driver’s license.
The upcoming NFL draft consists of seven rounds, or as Eddie calls it, “happy hour.”

4. Blake V., 29, 3rd-offense DWI and insurance required.
We thought about writing a poem about Blake, but we couldn’t think of anything that rhymes with “incarcerated.”

3. Sherman P., 55, 4th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Sherman happens to reside on Vineyard Street, which, of course, means his drink of choice is whatever’s available that will get him smashed.

2. Quenton W., 32, 3rd-offense DWI, driving with a suspended/revoked driver’s license, and distribution/manufacturing of Schedule I drugs.
Quenton was undoubtedly thrilled to hear that the state legislature shot down legalized medical marijuana. That could ruin his business!

Shannon-Bellue-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot1. Shannon B., 42, 5th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, seat belt violation, expired motor vehicle inspection, following too close, and operating a vehicle while driver’s license suspended for a prior offense.
Shannon lives in Sorrento, which explains his apparent lack of fucks left to give. But who needs such fucks when you have the Judge Don Johnson Trophy?

Congratulations, Shannon. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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