Jindal Proposes Privatizing Executions

Off the Wire

In the wake of Oklahoma’s highly publicized botched execution, Gov. Bobby Jindal stated he’d like to see capital punishment in Louisiana outsourced to the private sector.

Jindal’s comments came outside the State Capitol on Wednesday in response to a reporter’s question about the state’s plan to use the same lethal injection drugs that were administered in Tuesday’s bungled execution of Oklahoma death row inmate Clayton Lockett.

“I think this case epitomizes the words of the great Ronald Reagan, namely that government is the problem,” Jindal said. “This is America, for crying out loud. If history has shown us one thing that this country excels at, it’s killing people. Yet, government – with all its bureaucracies and red tape – can’t even get that right.”

“It’s high time we put capitalism into capital punishment.”

Rather than have the state Department of Corrections continue to carry out the death penalty, Jindal said he’d like to see Louisiana become the first state where executions are contracted out to and performed by private companies.

“This is an excellent opportunity for Louisiana to lead the way and show the nation and the world how American ingenuity can streamline the performance of executions, and make the death penalty process much more efficient and cost-effective,” Jindal stated. “It’s high time we put capitalism into capital punishment.”

Jindal remarked that, unlike state governments that are having a difficult time procuring the needed drugs from European manufacturers reluctant to sell them for the express purpose of executing people, private companies should have little trouble acquiring whatever they need to carry out the death sentences.

“Those bleeding heart Europeans may not want to sell their lethal drugs to the state of Louisiana, or Oklahoma, or Ohio, but I’m confident they’ll be willing to do business with a shell corporation registered in the Cayman Islands,” Jindal explained. “And if that doesn’t work, law enforcement agencies around the state just in the last six months have seized enough synthetic marijuana to kill half of Baton Rouge. Just put the bastards in a room together, toss in some bath salts and let them eat each other’s faces off, for all I care.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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