Hello Shitty, er, Kitty

Music Snob

Well, kids, we seriously underestimated Canadian pop tart Avril Lavigne. Just when you thought the worst thing she could possibly ever do was marry Sir Chadwick Kroeger Do-right of the Canadian royal mounted “rock” band Nickelback, she went and REALLY one-upped us all. Tuesday, she released the video for the single “Hello Kitty” from her fifth studio album, an homage to what I assume is Japanese kawaii culture, and to be honest, it couldn’t be more disrespectful to Japanese culture if she sang it from the bomb deck of the Enola Gay.

That’s really Avril, just being Avril. Or is she being Katy Perry? Hell, she can’t decide; she’s wearing cupcakes, but without Katy’s tiggle bitties, she has to put them on her skirt.

First things first: The song is grating. On a scale of screaming babies to burning hobos, it ventures into hobo territory. She even works in an awful dubstep drop, which actually is a convenient segueway to the fact that Skrillex now apparently does her hair. I can’t understand the lyrics; it might be completely sung in Esperanto.

Avril is 29 now and married, but do not let that fool you. She’s still that Sk8r girl you used to know. Also, I know with those glasses on she looks just like Ricky Bobby’s pit crew girlfriend, but that’s really Avril, just being Avril. Or is she being Katy Perry? Hell, she can’t decide; she’s wearing cupcakes, but without Katy’s tiggle bitties, she has to put them on her skirt. Or … is she Gwen Stefani: marrying a douchebox rock singer then appropriating Japanese culture? I don’t think even Avril knows.

The video is actually super simple and may have been designed by Lisa Frank, hungover on box wine. Avril’s in a candy shop, she’s drinking sake (and P.S., there is not enough sake in the world to make this song danceable), she’s doing inscrutable dancing with morose Asian women. She takes a single picture, she sorta strums on Taylor Swift’s electric guitar. That’s about it. It’s almost like she forgot to release this pile of pastel crap on April 1.

After considerable contemplation, I think this video might be a war crime. Avril, please. For the love of Harajuku, pull yourself together.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Stephanie Landry

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Stephanie Landry is a lover, not a fighter, with the exception of some inanimate objects. Sing out to her here, or stand at her window with your boombox blasting your mixtape. Either way.

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