April 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from March 1-31, 2014:

10. Cartravious B., 21, 1st-offense DWI; possession, distribution, manufacturing and cultivation of a Schedule I drug; reckless operation of a vehicle, and following too close.
Cartravious is Latin for “weed entrepreneur.”

9. Jason C., 34, 2nd-offense DWI, improper lane usage, and drag racing on a public road.
While many NHRA drag race cars are powered by top alcohol, Jason is powered by top-shelf alcohol.

A 40 is technically “one beer.”

8. Patrick R., 49, 1st-offense DWI, insurance required, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, failure to yield, child desertion, reckless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license required, obscenity, a child restraint violation, and license plate switched.
Do you know how hard it is to install a baby’s car seat when sober, much less shitfaced? Sure, a Baton Rouge Police officer responding to a two-vehicle crash on Winbourne Avenue may have reportedly found the swaying and slurring Patrick‘s 3-month-old, unrestrained child in the car his drunk dad crashed while making an illegal left turn, but at least Patrick had the decency to make sure his most important cargo was unharmed: the alcoholic drink he had in hand when BRPD arrived. Later, while being booked into Parish Prison, Patrick reportedly “urinated upon a wall within a holding area after having ample opportunity to notify officers of any need to urinate,” undoubtedly because that snot-nosed kid of his is cutting into his diaper budget.

7. Jesse L., 21, 1st-offense DWI, distributing/manufacturing Schedule I, II, and IV drugs, careless operation of a vehicle, driver’s license required, negligent vehicular injuring, reckless operation of a vehicle, and hit-and-run.
Jesse has severe OCD and a strong aversion to the number three. He loves all drugs, except Schedule III drugs. Poor guy; no matter what he takes, he just can’t get high enough to enjoy them.

6. Keith J., 38, 3rd-offense DWI, operating a vehicle with a suspended driver’s license, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, insurance required, and improper lane usage.
Offering a beer to your arresting officer will rarely get you out of a DWI, but it’s always worth a shot.

Jeffrey-Foltz-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot5. Jeffrey F., 26, 3rd-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
Arrested by Baton Rouge Police on the afternoon of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade, Jeffrey admitted to drinking “a couple of beers,” but insisted the leprechaun in the car was actually driving.

Joseph-Howard-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot4. Joseph H., 51, 4th-offense DWI and disobeying a red light.
Joseph’s blood-alcohol level was more than double the legal limit for driving after he reportedly told an East Baton Rouge Parish sheriff’s deputy that he had only one beer to drink before driving. To his credit, a 40 is technically “one beer.”

Samuel-Shavers-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot3. Samuel S., 29, 4th-offense DWI, refusal to take a chemical test, operating a vehicle while under a suspension, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, and obstruction of a public highway.
A sleepy Samuel may have refused to take a chemical test, but he passed English with flying colors. Olde English, to be more precise, as in the cold, open bottle of Olde English Malt Liquor Baton Rouge Police reportedly found in his vehicle, while the engine was running, the transmission was in “drive,” and Samuel was passed out behind the wheel … all in the middle of the 5900 block of Plank Road.

Robert-Roth-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot2. Robert R., 45, 5th-offense DWI, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, disturbing the peace, simple criminal damage to property, unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test, and possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle.
According to a report, Roth managed to ring up his 5th DWI simply by being an asshole. A drunk asshole, more specifically. A Zachary police officer spotted Roth stopped at a traffic light where he was “flailing” his arms out the window, giving the bird to another motorist. When the light turned green, Roth spun his tires taking off, and he was eventually stopped by the officer who noticed Roth’s breath smelled like a frat house. After stating he had “a few beers at the casino in Baton Rouge,” Roth was arrested, and, while in custody, pissed on the floor and broke the light fixture in the holding cell … just like a drunk asshole.

Ronald-Sims-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot1. Ronald S., 51, 6th-offense DWI, careless operation of a vehicle, failure to dim headlights, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
With high beams and Jim Beams, Ronald wins the Judge Don Johnson Trophy this month!

Congratulations, Ronald. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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