Divergent: A Waste of Zoë Kravitz

Tokin at the Movies-300pxRomeo and Juliet is a timeless classic by William Shakespeare of two star-crossed lovers who, after a whirlwind romance full of intrigue and innocent eroticism, meet an inevitable and tragic end (I’m reading the DVD case, in case you’re wondering) … that we all were forced to do a report or essay on at some point by the time we were sophomores in high school. And truth be told, once you get past the weird-ass ye olde English Bible language, it is a damn good story.

It’s like the producers said, “Let’s shoehorn into this movie things that we think teenage girls liked in some other popular movies.”

And they’ve made some damn good movies from it, too … from the little titties in the classic 1968 version to the hip 1996 remake with that love me, love me song. (Mercutio was my muthafucka!)

What I’m trying to say is, making movies based on literary romances can be a wonderful thing. Period.

That being said … whoever the moronic meth-head is who gave the greenlight to make Divergent into a film should be taken back in time and dropped off in the middle of Nevada where they did nuclear bomb test detonations.

Look, we all know Hollywood producers are looking for the next Harry Potter, but every fucking teen book series does not have to be made into a movie.

The worst thing about Divergent is it is almost a decent movie. Almost. But the parts of it that are bad are FUCKING HORRIBLE! It’s like the producers (and yes, I blame the producers for this travesty because I can tell the director tried his damnedest to make this shit watchable) said, “Let’s shoehorn into this movie things that we think teenage girls liked in some other popular movies.”

  • Divergent lead actress and alleged celebrity Shailene Woodley.
    Divergent lead actress and alleged celebrity Shailene Woodley.

    Lead actress: some average-looking no-name the target audience can identify with and not be threatened by – oh, and have her act as bland and lifeless as possible so the target audience can literally imagine their face over hers because …

  • Romantic male lead: extremely attractive, brooding, sensitive bad boy with supermodel features who will end up on more magazine covers than the so-called star of the movie.
  • Story adaptation: Take all the exciting action and intrigue and political commentary and gloss over it, but emphasize the budding romance of the two romantic leads (SPOILER ALERT: THERE ARE ACTUALLY OTHER CHARACTERS IN THE BOOK!)
Divergent male lead actor and panty moistener Theo James.
Divergent male lead actor and panty moistener Theo James.

Divergent (I’m so pissed thinking about this movie, I have to remind myself to call it by its name) is a slop-and-go movie. It starts slow, with the narrator explaining the world is different and this is how it’s different, and you probably should have read the fucking book, because if you did, there would be no need for a slow-ass narrator in the beginning of the movie. But then it takes off like a rocket and the story picks up the pace and the action ramps up and you see the characters start to come out and start to pick up on the plot and notice the forced attraction of the leads and the villains’ plans begin to un…

Wait … let’s go back to the forced attraction for a while and slow down the entire fucking movie! They’re going to fall in love! We get it! Get back to the fucking story! (SPOILER ALERT: These are not my words. These are the words coming from the group of 14-year-old girls sitting behind me in the theater, so don’t think I don’t like romance in movies … Lost in Translation is one of my favorite movies of all time!) Every time the story gets some speed … errrrrrrrrrr … “Do you want to see my tattoos?” Are you fucking kidding me?

The Hunger Games is a successful franchise, and Twilight was a successful franchise, and Hollywood wants to repeat that success … but you can’t do that by trying to fucking combine them!

We get it. The Hunger Games is a successful franchise, and Twilight was a successful franchise, and Hollywood wants to repeat that success … but you can’t do that by trying to fucking combine them! One of the main themes of all of these stories is that young women are much more rich and complex than the way they have been portrayed in pop culture, and Divergent is a story in which they actually spell this out, yet the producers of this film think that young women are just as two-dimensional as the acting of the lead actress of this piece of shit.

I give Divergent a rating of 10 Blunts because if the lead character were male, it’d be called The Last Airbender and I’d have another reason to hate M. Night Shyamalan (fuck it; I’m blaming him anyway).RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About K.B. Token

K.B. Token
K.B. Token truly believes that if you don't find this column entertaining, then you're definitely part of the problem. Drop us a line and we'll get it to him via his forwarding address du jour, and he'll decide on how big of a problem you are.

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