Cornsturbation: PornHub Shows They’re Shucking It in the Heartland

The folks at PornHub.com – the self-proclaimed “premier destination for online adult entertainment” – have given us another opportunity to peek into the viewing tendencies of our fellow horndogs, be they Republicans or Democrats.

Kansans view PornHub pages at the highest per capita rate of anybody.

Following up on its recent release of PornMD, a feature that allows you to watch a live stream of searches on its site from around the world, PornHub’s statisticians have officially unveiled a brand-new (SFW) report showing the bipartisan viewing habits of “red” states vs. “blue” states.

If you want to find the horniest part of the country, just point your browser at the hole right in the middle. Kansans view PornHub pages at the highest per capita rate of anybody. This in spite of the fact that PornHub’s stats gurus have crunched the numbers to show that 8 of the 10 states with the highest per capita porn consumption are left-leaning. Kansas, a traditional Republican state, breaks the mold with its love of both corn and cornholing.

CLICK FOR LARGER IMAGE
CLICK FOR LARGER IMAGE OF PORNHUB’S BLUE STATE SPANK STATS

Overall, the PornHub numbers come as a bit of a surprise – usually, the conventional belief is that red, Republican-leaning states will have higher consumption of sin because it is forbidden, and humans are basically hypocrites by their nature. Perhaps this isn’t true – and maybe they really do hate sin more than the rest of us.

CLICK FOR LARGER IMAGE OF PORNHUB'S RED STATE SPANK STATS
CLICK FOR LARGER IMAGE OF PORNHUB’S RED STATE SPANK STATS

Unless they live in Kansas, that is. Then they simply can’t get enough.

The thought that jacking it might be popular in middle America doesn’t surprise me. The fact that it isn’t the top recreational pastime throughout all of the American interior does. What the hell else is there to do out amid the rolling plains and grain silos? Bugger hogs? Watch shit grow? Meth?

Even more oddly, that “other” Kansas, Arkansas, has one of the lowest per capita rates of PornHub page views. No offense, Arkansas, but frankly, I would’ve pegged y’all as a jerking-off state. I’m not sure why. Yet, clearly, the data shows otherwise. Apparently, the “Ar” is short for “Aren’t gonna choke our chickens.”

Kansas has no “Ar,” and it shows.

We calculate a per capita average of 235.2 minutes spent per year on PornHub for Kansas.

But why stop there? PornHub has been kind enough to use Tableau lately. Which means I can play with all their juicy, juicy data. So, let’s go balls deep in the data and take a look at the “Spider Monkey Factor” – a metric we at The Red Shtick have invented, where we take the average length of time a visitor from each state spends on PornHub and divide that time by how many pages the average visitor views. This tells us, on average, how long they look at any particular page. And, theoretically, anyhow, gives some indication of how quickly they, uh, do their business.

Kind of. It may just reflect how wishy-washy some states are, needing to browse through more spank candidates before settling on “the one.” Or two. Whatever.

So, that’s the bottom viz in our Red Shtick set. Top viz is, basically, PornHub’s own viz, with icons instead of shaded states (so you can see who is Republican- and who is Democrat-leaning) and a different color scheme to point out how horny Kansas is. The second visualization is based on those same icons, but looks at our Spider Monkey Factor rather than any direct metric from PornHub.

Oh, and a quick explanation – the more “orange,” the briefer each page view for the state. The more “blue,” you’re looking at a state that likes to linger over its page views. Or a state whose denizens know exactly what they want, and find it right away.

Way to go, Kansas, for having the most page views per capita of anyone. But when it comes to flying through those page views like a crackhead giving a hand job, we doff our pants to Hawaii – which manages to come in at under a minute. Oregon, at the other end of the spectrum, lingers lovingly over each PornHub page view for a sedate 1.28 minutes (we were too lazy to convert those fractions of a minute back into seconds – sorry, everyone!)

Way to go, Kansans! You’ve pitched a tent we’re all going to have to respect.

But now we need to do one final analysis – per capita time spent chokin’ it. By taking our Spider Monkey Factor and multiplying it by the average page views per capita, we can derive the average amount of time, per capita, spent visiting PornHub from each state. Frankly, this seems the most perverted measure of all, in an absolute sense, so we’re quite proud of this one.

And guess what? KANSAS WINS!! We calculate a per capita average of 235.2 minutes spent per year on PornHub for Kansas. That’s almost four hours a year of smut hunting for every man, woman, and child of the corn to be found in the state. Way to go, Kansans! You’ve pitched a tent we’re all going to have to respect.

Oh, and that “other” Kansas? They had the lowest Raunch Rating, spending a miserly 87.2 minutes per year, per capita, visiting the site. So, either Arkansas has a bunch of low-sex-drive residents or everyone is getting some. Judging by the president to hail from the state, I’m going with getting some.

Enjoy the porn, er, data, everyone!RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Jared Kendall

A freelance data journalist and father of two, Jared Kendall has been using comedy as a coping mechanism his entire life. Born a Yankee, Jared's twenty-year stint in Baton Rouge still leaves him with one question: "Why'd I move here, again?"

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