March 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from February 1-28, 2014:

10. Christian Commander, 19, 1st-offense DWI, unlawful consumption of alcohol under 21, misrepresentation to gain entry into a bar, reckless operation of a vehicle, and improper lane usage.
Looks like Christian Commander may be in line for a demotion.

9. Collin H., 19, 1st-offense DWI, headlights required, tail lights required, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, flight from an officer, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Apparently, Collin going total “stealth mode” wasn’t enough to elude the cops.

8. Justin D., 20, 1st-offense DWI, motor vehicle inspection required/expired, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, equipment violation, improper lane usage, reckless operation of a vehicle and driver’s license not on person.
Weed pipe & booze > driver’s license & updated inspection sticker.

Duke-Silver7. Bryan K., 20, 1st-offense DWI, misrepresentation during booking, injuring public records, theft, identity theft, reckless operation of a vehicle, open-container violation, and driving with a suspended/revoked driver’s license.
Bryan also occasionally goes by the names Duke Silver, Rusty Shackleford, and Art Vandelay.

6. Tricia W., 41, 1st-offense DWI, bringing contraband into a penal institution, improper lane usage, following too close, distributing/manufacturing Schedule II drugs, possession of drug paraphernalia, and possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle.
Tricia’s like the Costco of coke on wheels.

5. Ernest D., 51, 4th-offense DWI and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Some people may consider Ernest a hardened criminal. Truth is he likely has permanent whiskey dick.

4. Steven A., 40, 4th-offense DWI, driver’s license required, and expired motor vehicle inspection.
Stephen’s liver is so abused, if it were food stamps, it’d be the lead story on Fox News every night.

Rachael-Hobgood-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot3. Rachael H., 31, 4th-offense DWI, improper lane usage, and unlawful refusal to submit to a chemical test.
In Rachel’s defense, she never did test well in chemistry.

Dillon_Dawson-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot2. Dillon D., 29, 3rd-offense DWI, careless operation of a vehicle, right-of-way violation, and simple criminal damage to property.
According to the arrest report on Dillon, the Livingston resident went total Livingston by doing donuts in the grass in front of the East Side Fire Station on Old Hammond Highway before driving away and crashing into a ditch. Later, Dillon reportedly told the investigating trooper he was “retarded” and shouldn’t have been behind the wheel because he had “some beers.” He said he called a cab, but the wait was too long, thus confirming Dillon really is mentally impaired for thinking he could get a cab in Baton Rouge in a reasonable amount of time.

1. Richard J., 31, 3rd-offense DWI, hit-and-run, possession of drug paraphernalia, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
It seems Richard graduated from the Malcolm Sibley school of drunk driving. (i.e., Don’t stick around.) And for that, he  fittingly wins the Judge Don Johnson Trophy. Lord knows his honor didn’t stick around. Neither did the charges against him.

Congratulations, Richard. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

Check Also

BACS Honorable Mention: Thomas Shepherd

Despite being three times over the legal limit for driving, Thomas Shepherd's gin-soaked brain managed to command his body to get away on foot after crashing into another car.