Cuming Soon: New, First-of-its-kind Adult Channel

Off the WireComcast subscribers who enjoy watching balls getting smacked around are in for a shock as their favorite channel will soon feature a different kind of ball(s) smacking.

Starting on March 1, Comcast will replace the Tennis Channel with the cable giant’s proprietary, all-adult-themed channel CumCast, which will air original, scripted, XXX-rated sitcoms and dramas.

“People want both their minds and their genitals stimulated by what they watch.”

CumCast is Comcast’s answer to the growing trend of other media providers offering original programming, like Netflix’s House of Cards and Amazon Instant Video’s Alpha House.

Comcast Executive Vice President for Sales and Marketing Operations Greg Butz says the company made the decision after conducting copious amounts of research.

“We’ve invested a lot of time and money into this project, and all of our research has repeatedly shown the same thing: People want both their minds and their genitals stimulated by what they watch,” Butz said. “I’m very proud of the lineup we already have planned, and I have the utmost confidence we have something to offer all of the adults in the family.”

Greg Butz is his real name.
Greg Butz is his real name.

The first night of broadcasting certainly looks like it will start off with a (gang) bang.

The Gang Bang Theory – 7 p.m., comedy
Two nerdy scientists and their two best friends have their lives (and sex lives) changed  forever when a hot new girl moves in across the hall. When chemistry, physics, and laughter combine, all you can do is sit back and wait for the explosion.

Dick Dynasty – 8 p.m., reality(ish)
The family that plays together stays together. In this “dickumentary” style program, you’ll get to meet the Robinson family: Bill, Miss Lay, Big Willie, and Uncle Sly. Watch as they make a fortune (and some good old-fashioned mischief) at their family-run company, Dick Commander. Tune in to find out what goes into making their world-famous dick calls and what Miss Lay’s secret ingredient is in her squirrel brain and dumplings.

Traveling in his ship, the HARDIS, Doctor Goo encounters both friends and foes in his never-ending quest to save the galaxy from doom, despair, and sexual frustration with his sonic “screwdriver.”

Buns of Anarchy – 9 p.m., drama
The lives of a close-knit gay motorcycle gang are examined as they deal with personal, professional, and sexual relationships. The lines between friend, lover, and enemy prove to be very thin as bikers scheme their way up in an attempt to become top dog. It’s not just the competition that’s hard.

wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimeyDoctor Goo – 10 p.m., science fiction
Join the adventures of Doctor Goo as he explores space, time, and so much more. Traveling in his ship, the HARDIS, Doctor Goo encounters both friends and foes in his never-ending quest to save the galaxy from doom, despair, and sexual frustration with his sonic “screwdriver.”

Want to see what else CumCast has planned? Here is a list, by category, of what else is “coming” up soon.

Porks & Recreation, Two Poked Girls, Dyke & Molly, Three and a Half Men (dwarf porn alert!)

Variety Programs/Reality
XXX Factor, Dancing With the Porn Stars, Your Mom’s Got Talent, Basketball Whores, MuffBusters

Crime Drama
Hawaii Big-O, Brooklyn Six-Nine, Chicago DP, Shercock, Law & Order: S&M

Science Fiction/Fantasy
Cunts Upon a Time, Rimm, Game of Bones, Walking Head (zombie porn alert!), Trans-pire Diaries, American Whore Story, Ghetto Booty & the Beast

Sex Life of an American Teenager (all actors/actresses to be 18 or older), Breaking Vag, Hard for Dixie, Step-Parenthood, Bad Men, Grace’s Anatomy, Downtown on Abby, Chicago Firecrotch

Ron-JeremyLike many other cable channels, CumCast also will air infomercials. The first one is slated to be for Ron Jeremy’s new hair-care line, Spunk, which will include a home perm kit for pubic hair and a line of brightly colored, semi-permanent hair color kits that wash out in 4-8 shampoos/2-3 swingers parties.

Sports fans haven’t been overlooked, Butz says.

renegade“We’re in talks right now with the WNBA and the NFL and hope to resume negotiations next week on a deal that would allow players to participate in special events for CumCast,” he explained. “So far we’ve managed to come to an agreement on topless basketball and bottomless football, but we’re still working out the kinks, so to speak. We hope to have an official WNNBA and NNFL team by fall, with the extra ‘N’ standing for ‘nude,’ of course. We’ve also prepared a proposal for Survivor: Van Nuys and are waiting to hear back from Mark Burnett as we speak.”

Time slots not scheduled with original programming will be filled with reruns of the Lorenzo Lamas classic series Renegade.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Ruby42

Ruby42 is an artist / poet / comedian / writer / pornographer / baker of boozy bacon cakes and thinks it sucks to be you.

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