RoboCop Is Here! Again!

Tokin at the Movies-300pxSo, a couple years ago I heard that Hollywood was remaking the ’80s classic RoboCop. First thing out of my mouth was, “Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me?” (OK, it wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth. The joint I was smoking was.)

You can’t remake Back to the Future because (1) you’d have to invent a new camera to capture Marty McShakesALot and (2) you’d have to rename it Here and Now.

Anybody see that fucked-up remake of Total Recall? Didn’t they learn? Some shit don’t need to be updated or remade. Some movies are planted firmly in the era they were made in. (Yes, I know I ended that sentence with a preposition. Do I look like I give a shit?) You can’t remake Back to the Future because (1) you’d have to invent a new camera to capture Marty McShakesALot and (2) you’d have to rename it Here and Now (which is a completely different ’80s movie that also should never be remade!)

What I’m trying to say is I HATE REMAKES (unless it involves superheroes, of course)! Then I remembered (which gets harder and harder as the years go by) who was one of the biggest superheroes of the ’80s … RoboCop.

Anybody who is fan of science fiction knows that, generally, the best sci-fi stories are allegories about some shitty situation going on in society or those that predict some shitty situation that’s gonna happen in society (except Star Wars, which is just about a fucked-up family … in space). The OG (that’s “Original Gangsta” for you über-white folk) RoboCop was a commentary on how corrupt giant, multinational corporations were becoming and how people meant nothing when compared to the corporate bottom line (guess it should’ve been called RoboDamus!)

The New School RoboCop says: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it; just relax and let 30 years of technological advances in movie special effects retell a great fucking story. New School RoboCop obviously adjusts to what’s actually going on in the world today to make things relevant to today’s audience, but the themes are the same.

The stranger looks ... strange.
The stranger looks … strange.

I have to admit I was really worried about this new guy playing RoboCop, because the only other role I’d seen him do was the Swedish douchebag in that movie The Darkest Hour (rated 15 blunts, by the way) and I figured he’d be moving like Robot Man from Chappelle’s Show. But apparently your boy rented Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo on Netflix because he definitely had that RoboCop swagger, and that means I’ll probably remember his name in his next movie (which will probably be RoboCop 2.0).

The original ED 209 looked like a junkie Muppet with cerebral palsy.

’80s icon Michael Keaton (if you don’t know who this is, please kill yourself) does a good job of channeling Steve Jobs, and Jackie Earle Haley and makes you look forward to when Murphy (RoboCop’s not-so-secret identity) shoves his foot up his ass. Gary Oldman … man, this dude can do no wrong! He takes you through the full range of emotions in a movie that should be just black and white. And, of course, there’s Samuel L. Muthafuckin’ Jackson (shut up; you know your nipples perked up when you saw him in the trailer).

The biggest fault I have with the movie is its PG-13 rating. The violence and nudity have been sacrificed for the chance of potential sequels. But like I said, some things are best left in their era, and gratuitous violence and nudity was a staple of great ’80s action movies.

A junkie Muppet with cerebral palsy ... who literally destroyed a guy in a boardroom demonstration.
A junkie Muppet with cerebral palsy … who literally destroyed a guy in a board room demonstration.

Today, franchises have to be more family friendly (because … well, shit, I don’t know; parents are fucking idiots nowadays). And honestly, as great as the action sequences are, I got to admit I was expecting a lot more explosions and gunfights than it has. But I think the producers were just holding back for the sequel. The original ED 209 looked like a junkie Muppet with cerebral palsy, but the new version actually looks like it can fuck shit up.

All in all, I got to say I went in thinking I was going to hate this movie (I HATE REMAKES!), but I was pleasantly surprised. So I give RoboCop 3 Blunts, because I liked the movie and three blunts makes me smile a lot.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About K.B. Token

K.B. Token
K.B. Token truly believes that if you don't find this column entertaining, then you're definitely part of the problem. Drop us a line and we'll get it to him via his forwarding address du jour, and he'll decide on how big of a problem you are.

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