Erroneous Report on New Tony’s Seafood Location Planted by George “Puppet Master” Sells

Off the WireA widely reported, inaccurate story asserting that Tony’s Seafood planned to open a Perkins Road location was apparently the work of the mischievous alter ego of retired WAFB news anchorman George Sells.

“They gave me the bum’s rush, so I’m giving them the business.”

Sells’ second self, who calls himself “The Puppet Master,” admits he strategically “planted” the false report about the new Tony’s location by feeding fallacious details to local news outlets in such a way as to fool them into thinking the information was coming from reliable sources.

Speaking from the Sells residence while donning a royal purple cape with a matching mask and arm gauntlets, The Puppet Master explained his motivation for manipulating the media.

“Why the hell shouldn’t I screw with them? I’ve got nothing better to do since those bastards muscled me out of TV,” The Puppet Master stated. “They gave me the bum’s rush, so I’m giving them the business.”

The Puppet Master explained his media machination skills were learned from Sells’ many years as a reporter and anchorman.

“I was in the news business for decades,” The Puppet Master said as he deftly and playfully raised and lowered strings attached to his finger. “I know what strings to pull in order to get those weak-minded hacks to do my bidding.”

The Puppet Master explained that the false story about Tony’s Seafood wasn’t his first act of media manipulation, nor would it be his last.

“I know what strings to pull in order to get those weak-minded hacks to do my bidding.”

“Why do you think The Advocate ran that recent puff piece about three former Baton Rouge news anchors no one around here’s given two shits about since the ’90s,” The Puppet Master asked. “It was me! I tricked them into running that ‘Stay Classy’ pap about Margaret Lawhon, John Mahaffey, and, of course, George Sells.”

The Puppet Master continued, “And I’m just getting started toying with these fools. No media outlet is safe! Mark my words, those bastards will rue the day they gave me the heave-ho. Rue the day, I say!”

The notoriously chronic smoker/supervillain then broke out into bawdy, sinister laughter, followed immediately by a five-minute coughing fit.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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