February 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from January 1-31, 2014:

10. Thomas Thomas, 62, 13385 Rice Road, Batchelor, first-offense DWI and reckless operation.
Last month, 63-year-old Joseph Joseph made the BACS top ten. This month it’s Thomas2. So much for that argument that marijuana of yore wasn’t as strong as today’s.

9. Blaze L., 20, 1st-offense DWI, driving without a driver’s license, reckless operation, possession of drug paraphernalia, and drinking in a motor vehicle.
The past tense of Blaze is Blazed, as in why no actual drugs were left in his vehicle, just the accessories.

He got arrested because his dick turned Bob Pettit Blvd. into the Jack in the Box drive-thru.

8. Joseph W., 25, 2nd-offense DWI, stop sign/yield sign violation, resisting an officer, and public intimidation and retaliation.
Just like in football, it’s always the guy who retaliates who gets penalized.

7. Cindy H., 56, 2nd-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, driver’s license not on person, and stopping vehicle in roadway.
When a woman reaches Cindy’s age – and intoxication level – she can park wherever the hell she pleases.

6. Terence M., 46, 3rd-offense DWI, parking where prohibited, and possession of alcohol in a vehicle.
Terence apparently didn’t get the memo that he is neither a woman nor old enough to park wherever he pleases.

Larry-Woodard-DWI-Baton-Rouge_Mugshot5. Larry W., 26, fourth-offense DWI.
Larry hails from Arcadia, LA, best known as the city where Bonnie & Clyde died, just like the dreams Larry’s parents once had for him.

Brennan-Ritchie-DWI-mugshot4. Brennan R., 25, 4th-offense DWI, reckless operation, and obstruction of a public passage.
Young Brennan definitely didn’t get the aforementioned age/gender-related memo on parking, not that his hormones would’ve cared anyway. According to an arrest report, Brennan caused a bit of a traffic jam at 1 a.m. in Tigerland on January 28 when “He stopped in the middle of the roadway to talk to and pick up some girls,” all “while a line of approximately 10 cars waited.” Essentially, he got arrested because his dick turned Bob Pettit Blvd. into the Jack in the Box drive-thru.

3. John K., 49, 5th-offense DWI, failure to signal while turning, reckless operation, and driving with a suspended/revoked driver’s license.
What an irresponsible citizen! For the love of God, John, use your goddam turn signal!

Clifton-Edwards-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot2. Clifton E., 40, 5th-offense DWI, motor vehicle insurance required, registration required, careless operation, reckless operation, driving with a suspended/revoked driver’s license, and headlights required.
Who needs headlights to see when you’ve got a bright future like Clifton’s lighting your way?

Sherwood-Taylor-Baton-Rouge-Mugshot1. Sherwood T., 61, 6th-offense DWI, reckless operation, and driver’s license suspended/revoked.
For a guy who most likely has permanent whiskey dick, Sherwood has a rather ironic name, but he also has this month’s Judge Don Johnson Trophy.

Congratulations, Sherwood. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

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