LSU President Angered by Out-of-State Sugar Daddies Recruiting School’s Hottest Hussies

Off the WireLSU System President and Chancellor F. King Alexander responded with outrage to news that Louisiana’s flagship university was named one of the “Top 20 Fastest-Growing Sugar Baby Schools” according to the sugar daddy website SeekingArrangement.com.

“It breaks all the unspoken rules of sugar daddery.”

King’s ire was specifically drawn by reports that the vast majority of LSU coeds on the site were hooking up with benefactors from outside the state. As an example, the 20-year-old female student – known only as “Ashley” – featured in The Advocate’s report said she receives $1,200 for each weekend she spends with her sugar daddy in Santa Barbara, CA.

“Goddammit, California! Keep your filthy paws off our tramps!” King exclaimed. “I was president at Cal State Long Beach for over seven years, and I know damn well you’ve got more than enough whores ‘matriculating’ through school to go around over there. Get it? Whores ma-TRICK-ulating?”

LSU President and Chancellor F. King Alexander
LSU President and Chancellor F. King Alexander

King said he’s fed up with wealthy men from other states, especially California, trying to “muscle their way into” Louisiana territory.

“It breaks all the unspoken rules of sugar daddery,” King explained. “They’ve been pulling this crap for too long, and I, for one, am sick of it.”

Observers fear the long-simmering interstate dispute over the Bayou State’s vaunted, rich supply of young, profitable snatch could erupt into violence.

“It’s one thing for Louisiana’s talented athletes to be recruited by and commit to out-of-state schools,” King said, “but I’ll be damned if I stand idly by while we lose our best and brightest skanks to other states.”RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

Check Also

Cortana Mall to Be Taken Off Life Support

Doctors at Our Lady of Lake Hospital sadly report a former major shopping venue will soon be taken off life support.