OFF THE CUFFS: With Officer Jack Boot – “Your Mother Is a Whore”

TRS-OffTheCuffs

Dear Officer Boot,

Why do cops think it’s OK for them to speed, run red lights, and generally disobey the same traffic laws that they are paid by our tax dollars to enforce? — PP

Dear PP,

Well, sometimes it’s because I’m on my way to a call that may not warrant lights and sirens. Maybe a domestic disturbance call and I’m not sure if they are just arguing or if he’s presently choking the last drop of air from her frail, fragile body, and that yellow light I blew might be the difference between her life and her death. See, many departments need authorization from a supervisor to even turn those lights and sirens on, due to idiot cops who ran lights and sirens to avoid stopping at red lights, or because they were in a hurry to get to your mom’s house before she got sore and quit taking customers. But fear not, because we are all highly trained driving machines who make an art out of hugging the fog lines and teetering on the brink of disaster. And your mother is a whore. — JB

 

Dear Officer Boot,

My upstairs neighbors keep throwing parties and making loud noises all night. I’ve got a wife and kids here. My kids need a good night’s sleep for school, and I’ve got to go to work in the morning. None of us can get any sleep. Can the police help me with this? — Mike D

Dear Mike D,

SURE, BUDDY!!! As a matter of fact, I will PERSONALLY come by there and tell your neighbors to turn that shit down so you guys can get some sleep. On a side note, now that I’m gonna be the new “man of the house,” there’s a few things I’m gonna need from you. First off, if you could pick me up a case of Budweiser on your way home, that’d be great. Also, I’ll be ordering the fight on pay-per-view this weekend, so make sure that cable bill is up to date, and OH YEAH, is your wife a screamer? Because I don’t want any “noise complaints” called in on me if you know what I’m saying. 😉 — JB

 

Officer Jack Boot is here to answer your law-enforcement-related queries. Fire off at him at offthecuffs@theredshtick.com.

About Officer Jack Boot

Avatar
Officer Jack Boot is a veteran of the Klakamass Police Department in Central Louisiana. He's a member of SWAT, Police Social Services, Bike Squad, Honor Guard, the Young Republicans, the Right Wing Refugees, and the Liberal Lesbians, and he plays shortstop on the department softball team. He also cooks a mean batch of buttermilk biscuits.

Check Also

OFF THE CUFFS: With Officer Jack Boot – Kids, Meth, and Laundry

Officer Jack Boot is here to answer your law enforcement related queries. Today, he offers parenting advice and tips on dealing with a suspected meth house next door.