This column is about to change “¦ drastically. I know you’re already confused by my picture next to my byline. I bet most of you haven’t even noticed any differences other than that. And if you have, chill: You’re not trippin’ “¦ no one has dusted your crop, so stop staring at that spliff like that (unless, of course, you ARE trippin’ because someone DID dust your crop then BUGGA BUGGA BUGGA THEY’RE COMING TO GET YOU!!!!!)
I will rate a movie based on how many blunts I need to smoke to get through watching the damn thing!
As I was saying “¦ I’m not the K.B. Tokin you’ve all come to know and avoid “¦ unless you have Febreze handy. You can call me K.B. TOKEN, and this is now my column, bitches! Our friend K.B. has moved to the little, white-bread, quiet, mountain town in Colorado I used to live in, I have moved into his crib here, and I’m taking over his duties here at The Red Shtick as movie critic extraordinaire! OK, I may sometimes talk about other things in entertainment like television, podcasts, and even books (yeah bitches, books), at which point Jeremy may change the column’s name to “Token on the Couch” or “Token on the Toilet.” His choice.
As of today, there will be a new rating system implemented here at Token at the Movies (get that shit right, Jeremy White!). Movies will be rated with the Blunt system. What’s the Blunt system, you ask? It means I will rate a movie based on how many blunts I need to smoke to get through watching the damn thing!
For example, Marvel’s The Avengers, American Beauty, and Unforgiven all received 1 Blunt, because they are so good I want to be relaxed so I can temporarily unshoulder my worldly burdens and just enjoy every nuance of these cinematic classics. In contrast, The Phantom Menace, Twilight, and Snow White and the Huntsman all received 10 Blunts, because I had to be so high that I was too afraid to stand up for fear I’d fall for eternity in order to sit through the end of either of them. (Yeah, I know, black dude said “nuance” “¦ and I’m also aware that “unshoulder” isn’t technically a word, but you understood it, didn’t you?)
OK, is everyone still with me? Do we understand the new rating system, everybody? Who didn’t take their Adderall today? SQUIRREL!
WHEN THE FUCK DID HERCULES GET A SECRET IDENTITY?
Let’s get right into it. It’s the beginning of a new year and movie award season, and Hollywood has rolled out a plethora of heavy contenders for Oscars, Golden Globes, and Critics Choice Awards. Venerable megastars like Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts have released tour de force pieces. Hot, young, rising superstars like Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper are continuing to add to their resume brilliant performances that will eventually cement them as legends. And unknowns like Oscar Isaac are laying out breakout performances making them the stars to watch for this year. And then there is “¦ The Legend of Hercules “¦ WHAT THE FUCK, Hollywood?
Everyone knows the story of Hercules, right? Greek hero. Demigod. Son of Zeus and a mortal woman. Pissed-off evil stepmother (which is probably why he got the Disney princess treatment). Snake-choking baby. 12 Labors. Epic Greek badass superhero. (OK, the stories also say he was a raging alcoholic, murdered his first wife and kids, and raped and murdered the Amazons, but hey, it was ancient Greece, and obviously, the producers of this movie didn’t expect its target audience to be “readers.”)
The Legend of Hercules, starring Kellan Lutz, the former Calvin Klein underwear model turned Mark Wahlberg wannabe, as the titular hero, tells the, well, legend of Hercules “¦ only it doesn’t. The screenwriter(s) of this piece of used workplace toilet paper must have sat down at his laptop after finishing half an ounce of swag while playing The Legend of Zelda and reading old comic books for 36 hours straight. I want to tell you the plot, but you’ve all played any side-scroll game on the old NES before, so you already know it: Save the princess.
I get the concept of using dramatic license, especially with a story that’s thousands of years old and with a catalog of Hercules movies and TV shows being done in the past, but are you fuckin’ shittin’ me? WHEN THE FUCK DID HERCULES GET A SECRET IDENTITY? So much of this movie is just so out there that I didn’t even mind the seven teenage white kids behind me talking and joking and taking selfies (I think) during the movie.
if you’re wondering how I’m smoking in a movie theatre, thank Stephen Dorff and modern technology. You’ve heard of Blu? Well, think Green.
SPOILER ALERT: Only one of his 12 Labors makes it into the movie, and the driving force behind the Hercules myth, his stepmother Hera hating him and causing all of his sorrows in life, is so completely distorted that Hera comes off as some weirdo swinger lady out to find chicks for her husband to have sex with while she watches (I mean, if that’s what you’re into “¦ hey, it was ancient Greece). And that’s just the tip of the unwelcome penis!
The director whose name I forget because I couldn’t sit through the credits did what he could with a shitty script. The majority of the fight scenes were entertaining, and the 3-D effects are some of the best I’ve ever seen. (Of course, I was so high at this point that words on paper would have been jumping out in 3-D to me. And if you’re wondering how I’m smoking in a movie theatre, thank Stephen Dorff and modern technology. You’ve heard of Blu? Well, think Green.) But it’s obvious that the entirety of the special effects budget went to the 3-D effects and nothing else.
The little-to-no-named actors all have an incredible work ethic, because they did the best they could with what they were given. And the bright spot to me was seeing Liam McIntyre aka Spartacus 2.0 in a supporting role giving the movie some real Greco-Roman gravitas.
Can’t say the same about Kellan Lutz, tho. WORST “¦ HERCULES “¦ EVER. And I’m including Schwarzenegger’s Hercules. You know “¦ his first movie “¦ when he spoke English so bad they dubbed him like an old kung fu flick. Yes, Lutz is worse than that. What I think happened was Lutz saw the 2011 Greek demigod flop Immortals and thought to himself, “If that guy can do a shitty 300 ripoff and afterwards gets to play Superman, then I’ll just do a shitty Immortals ripoff version of Superman and I’ll win an MTV Movie Award someday!”
OK, I’m getting upset now, meaning I’m cashed out and need to pack another bowl, so let me sum up. If 300 and Gladiator took bath salts, had sex at Chernobyl, and gave birth to a mutant baby that then gets raped and impregnated by the psychopathic offspring of Twilight and Superman Returns who is donkey-punching said baby with a copy of a Gideon’s Bible it stole from the local Motel 6, the result would be The Legend of Hercules. That’s why I’m giving it 7.5 Blunts “¦ because I was glad I was able to leave at the credits!