January 2014 Blood Alcohol Championship Series

Our top ten contestants were arrested and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated according to The Advocate reports from December 1-31, 2013:

10. Joseph Joseph, 63, 1st-offense DWI, and reckless operation.
He’s been living with the name Joe Joe for 63 years, and this is just his first DWI arrest? It’s a wonder Joseph didn’t drink himself to death by age 30.

Mexican-Chipmunks9. Teodoro N., 43, 2nd-offense DWI, driver’s license required, and improper lane usage.
Teodoro was pulled over while singing his favorite Spanish songs while his amigos Alvino and Simón were singing ridiculously high-pitched harmonies in the back seat.

8. John D., 21, 1st-offense DWI, distribution/manufacturing of a Schedule I drug, possession of a firearm with drugs, and sale/possession of legendary drugs.
John’s stuff is so good, his customers say it’s “legendary.”

Brian is totally liver-shaming the rest of us.

7. Chancelor J., 37, 2nd-offense DWI, possession of marijuana, license plate switched, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, driver’s license suspended/revoked, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of Schedule II drugs, and insurance required.
Chancelor is all about higher education.

6. Micheal T., 31, 2nd-offense DWI, driver’s license suspended/revoked, drinking in a motor vehicle, possession of Schedule II drugs, reckless operation of a vehicle, operating a vehicle while license suspended for prior offense, and noise violation.
Noise violation? That’s just Micheal being courteous and letting folks know to get the hell out of his drunk-ass way.

5. Gary H., 52, 7 Longley Drive, Harpswell, ME, 1st-offense DWI, reckless operation of a vehicle, possession of an alcoholic beverage in a vehicle, simple criminal damage to property, home invasion, false imprisonment, domestic abuse aggravated assault, and theft.
No wonder Stephen King writes horror novels. Maine people are goddam scary!

4. Brian H., 25, 3rd-offense DWI, resisting an officer, reckless operation of a vehicle, battery of a correctional employee, disobeying a red light, simple criminal damage to property, and operating a vehicle with a suspended license.
Brian is totally liver-shaming the rest of us.

Morgan-Rozas-DWI3. Morgan R., 20, 3rd-offense DWI, speeding, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
According to WBRZ, Morgan celebrated her 21st birthday by snagging her 3rd DWI arrest (despite her arrest report indicating she’s still 20). She’s such a drunk-driving prodigy, the bars in Tigerland have a drink called “The Morgan,” named in her honor. We’re not sure what’s in it, but it apparently turns you into a spoiled little cunt devoid of any sense of responsibility and who lives with her parents.

Lawrence’s new year’s resolution is to figure out a way around his new court-ordered breath-alcohol ignition interlock device.

2. Lawrence J., 29, 4th-offense DWI, possession of alcohol in a vehicle, reckless operation of a vehicle, and driver’s license required.
Lawrence’s new year’s resolution is to figure out a way around his new court-ordered breath-alcohol ignition interlock device.

Paul-Miller-DWI1. Paul M., 49, 3rd-offense DWI, hit-and-run, failure to maintain control of a vehicle, and reckless operation of a vehicle.
Paul managed to beat out this month’s stiff competition by turning a Sunday evening drive into a game of tag with a BRPD cruiser parked alongside I-110. Just like in any game of tag, Paul tagged the cruiser, making the police officer “it,” and then ran away at a fast rate of speed. After chasing him down, police officers once again made Paul “it” and put him in a cell with lots of “playmates” he could play “tag” with.

Congratulations, Paul. You’ve won this installment of the Blood Alcohol Championship. We’ll all be looking out for you on the roads. To claim your trophy, simply print this page and cut it out. Just be careful not to cut your finger in the process.RedShtick-Top-ColumnStop

About Editorial Staff

Editorial Staff
A random collection of overqualified, underachieving smartasses.

Check Also

BACS Honorable Mention: Thomas Shepherd

Despite being three times over the legal limit for driving, Thomas Shepherd's gin-soaked brain managed to command his body to get away on foot after crashing into another car.