OFF THE CUFFS: With Officer Jack Boot – Kids, Meth, and Laundry

Dear Officer Boot,

My 9-year-old child is constantly refusing to get out of bed in the morning for school. I’ve called the police on several occasions, and none of the officers will do anything to help resolve the situation. He’ll get up for them, but then the next morning, I have the same problem again. I’m at the end of my rope and don’t know what I should do. Please help me. — Mary K.

Dear Mary K.,

I’m afraid I can’t offer any assistance at this time; I’m busy doing laundry for someone who can’t seem to get the laundry to get up and get inside the washing machine by itself. Sometime it’s frustrating having to do other people’s laundry for them. At times, I wish that maybe those people would just kick that laundry’s ass once or twice. That would probably help that laundry learn that there are consequences for not getting its insubordinate ass up and into that damn washing machine and MAYBE help to avoid that laundry growing up to be a worthless, piece of shit, dredge on society and all those who will have to support its lazy, useless, tired ass. — JB

Methamphetamines (and meth houses) were created by God himself when he realized AIDS wasn’t working fast enough.

Dear Officer Boot,

My next-door neighbors are running a meth lab out of their home. When I call to report it, the police act like they can’t do anything. I’m telling them that I’ve seen it myself, and they still won’t go in and check. What should I do? — GM

Dear GM,

First of all, methamphetamines (and meth houses) were created by God himself when he realized AIDS wasn’t working fast enough. It’s all about natural selection. Don’t worry; the problem will sort itself out within three years, give or take. — JB

Officer Jack Boot is here to answer your law-enforcement-related queries. Fire off at him at offthecuffs@theredshtick.com.