With the New Year holiday upon us, many of you amateur drinkers will be out on the road driving home after doing God knows what to ring in 2014. That’s why, as a veteran law enforcement officer, I’m offering some useful tips to help you avoid spending the first hours of the new year in jail for drunk driving. You’re welcome.
10. Slide into the passenger seat and look confused.
9. Have a pet koala in the car.
8. Tell the officer you’re gonna be late to pick up your kids from day care.
7. Offer the cop a beer.
6. Keep saying, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for” while wiggling your fingers in the cop’s face.
5. Talk like a pirate. *bonus if you’re dressed like a pirate.
4. Tell him about the cocaine in the trunk.
3. Keep saying, “Que?”
2. Tell the officer how your taxes pay his salary.
1. Convince the officer HE was driving.